le sigh
01.21.2009 - 9:25 am

I'm excited about school. I feel like Alex's support is finally hitting home. I have to remember that I have not been school oriented for about a year and a half and before that, I was never challenged.... ever. I have to get my mind back into gear and the only way that's gonna happen is with practice. So I need to spend every waking moment doing something to help my brain out. And fuck I need to teach myself more programming because I haven't done anything like that in a real long time. I forgot a lot of the C++ I taught myself and I need to learn other programming types too. Shit.

Alex is pretty amazing too. I don't know though. I feel like he's pretty perfect but there's always something in the back of my head that makes me super hesitant to commit any further. I don't know why though. Am I just jaded? Or is there something more sinister... a sign letting me know this isn't actually the right path for me. How is it that I am completely what he wants, but I'm not in the right place for him to be what I want? The cosmos can't be that fucked up can it?

I was thinking about fame and fortune today. I hope one day I can be in a place in my life where I can take sweet vacations when I want to. I look at all my friends and they're in that position now, and it makes me pissed for wondering "maybe I should've been a hair stylist." Why is it that I can get a bachelor's in something as prestigious as Astrophysics and still be unsettled as to whether I'll get a good job or not. Yet High Desert Daisy goes to cosmology school and gets stuck in the desert the rest of his/her life but gets to buy whatever they want, go wherever they want, do whatever they want. Or what about kids like Hanna Montana. Bitch makes like $4 mill a concert and probably gets into Disneyland for free. I can only imagine being 10 years old and asking daddy to fly to florida and looking at $300 plane ticket thinking that's pocket change.

Fuck life.

I can't wait for this summer. I really want to go to Poland, but I think I should save my money so we can get a house this summer and I can reward myself when I graduate by going to Europe for half the year instead of just a month. Or maybe i can find a way to do my grad/post grad study there. Deutschland anyone??

yesterday - tomorrow