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Vent vent vent. Bore Bore Bore
02.19.2009 - 9:52 pm

Well midterms didn't go as well as I thought they would. Definitely counted on tests being in the upper 60's at least and thought I did 70's work, but alas, the cosmos is against me once again.

I hate that I feel so sorry for myself all the time. I am the most pathetic person on the planet. I need to just buck up and do shit right. I need to remember my eight-fold path and not slack. I feel so motivated sometimes and it's always at a time I'm unable to do something. And then I have free time, and my mood is "who the fuck wants to study?" I wonder if I'll ever be good at school...

I feel ready for the next step after life, and it's so typical of me. Like, I always wanted to grow up faster than time would allow and I feel like I'm at that point again, like "ok, I understand the point of life, do I still have to go through it, or can I just skip a bunch of years and experience what's beyond this? Hello? Hey? Anyone? Can we stop the simulation now? Anyone? Hello? I get it. I promise. I'm ready." Lol.

Gawd, I am just so bored with life. And part of me wants the security of a good job and part of me wants to throw it all to the wind and just GO... somewhere. Fuuuucccckkkkkkk.

I started this blog feeling like I had a bunch of stuff to say. Now I feel like it's all silly and the same shit I talk about all the time.

I'm really intrigued with my stalker...

I'm slightly intrigued with Alex... only not really. I want to be. Why don't I like him as much as I feel I should? He just has nothing to offer me except kindness, and I'm all about that but maybe because I feel so independent and solo right now, it's not enough.

I think about Robbie almost every day. I wonder why he's going through such a hard time. Sometimes I think "duh of course we were headed in this direction" and wonder why he didn't see this coming. He never communicated with me. He didn't support me when his "family" was treating me like shit. I feel like I gave myself to him completely and got so little in return. He's a great person, but totally void when it comes to the necessities of a relationship.

I miss him though and feel sorry for his sorrow. I want to talk to him all the time and have things be silly and care free between us, but I don't know when we'll be able to have that again. He seemed so okay with me going off to college, and then soon as I go, he breaks up with me telling me it can't work and then he gets super depressed making me feel like the asshole who broke it off... I don't know, maybe it was actually me since I felt the need to cheat on him. Blah. Void.

I hope I do well this quarter. I hope Alex gives me the space I require. I hope I keep to my stringent spending habits and save enough money for a house this summer. I hope I find a job this quarter that has SOMETHING to do with physics. I hope I don't go through the rest of my life feeling like a goddamned retard. I hope I can give sufficient attention to Logan so that he knows he's loved. I hope I'm going in the direction to becoming a better person instead of the opposite. I hope I one day learn the value of hard work. I hope my dad never thinks I mooch too much. I hope to be 100% self sufficient one day.... soon? Please be soon.

Anyway. I need to get a life. I need to work harder. I need to kick my ass into gear starting bright and early tomorrow morning.

I need to learn patience....

yesterday - tomorrow