update code red!
2003-07-16 - 3:36 p.m.

alright. well i finally broke down and went against my will. . . I'm with Bryan now. Yeah, whatever, but it sucks, because i still don't trust him...with drugs...other females.... it sucks. it's like i'm constantly having an anxiety attack.

I'll start thinking about him and everything's peachy...ooh ahhh....and then, inevitably, i'll start thinking like a paranoid maniac, wondering if he's tweaking or writing some other girl love letters. haha. c'mon now. if he could write me letters like that while he was with melissa, who's to say he's not doing that to me too? oh no, but this time he loves me. Yeah fuckin right. he probably falls in love with a girl every week.... doesn't even know what it is. pft.

Don't you love how optimistic i am? I can't help it. I'm a retard... and always thinking bad thoughts...and no self-confidence... i never think i'm good enough...see i know i have problems...it's just getting over those problems that's the trick. Gawd, i'm a fucking loser. what the hell does bryan see in me? oh yeah that's right, it's not that he sees anything in me....i'm just the latest pick and he has other girls on the line. Lol!! Hey hey. it's not funny. i can really see myself thinking that way.

Fuck! fuck me! shit shit shit. why bryan? watch, he's gonna be the one to scar me for life about guys. i'm never gonna be the same after this. i'm even starting to get attatched...Lauren doesn't get attached! GRRR. Fuck. I can't take it. I hate feeling this way. i'm constantly stressed.. hmm, i wonder why i never tried relationships before. fuck i need someone i can trust. i can't trust him yet. AHH! This shit sucks. I'm gonna stop talking about it...i'll talk myself into having a nervous breakdown.

what else has happened?

WARPED TOUR!

Was fun. very fun. many many bruises.... was fun. i saw Dropkick Murphys, Unseen, Rancid, The Used (they suck), Face to Face, Mad Caddies, Pennywise... let's see, i think there's some i'm missing, but oh well. Yeah i had school the next day... yeah, i got made fun of a lot... mostly by my teachers... assholes.

Black Flag!

At Reflections. and you say "WHAT". Yeah go figure. it was a pretty good show i guess. i was pretty drunk... made it all the better.

BEACH

Fourth of fuckin july weekend, tried goin to the beach, everyone bitched out, so me and bryan went...well we went to Pamona mostly...with some stops at the beach. i had a good time but bryan didn't and it made me sad. I gota cold that weekend...and I still got the bitch. it's goin away though....

What the hell else?

I got a crew now. called BIG WOMEN! Jeska started it...but i'm the co-founder. Yeah, uh, yeah. don't fuck with us, we crazy bitches! haha yeah, yeah sure.

UHM....

Dawn just went to florida today until January. i'm happy for her...i wish i could get out of here. Hey! This time next year. Got a scholorship for Barry university in Miami...so uhm, i'm getting the fuck out of this desert trap...that's all it is... Bryan claims he's going with me, but how does he know where we'll be in a year? and shit with the stress that he's putting on me...i don't know if i can even handle a year. shit.

well 17 in about a month and a half...so with the way things look i probably won't write until then.

yesterday - tomorrow