Disillusionment
09.16.2005 - 9:50 pm

Why did I put that as the title? It has nothing to do with anything exept it's a word I like and used today but i don't remember the context it was in.

I like good paper more than a good pen. You can have a good pen and still write shitty if the paper is a low quality. This paper is cheap and yet writes so smoothly. This will make no snese once I copy this to my online blog. Oh well. Such is life.

Today. Today. Today. I had a pretty average day. Was semi-giddy because of Op Ivy... well not so much giddy, but I danced a lot. But now when I look back on the day, I can't remember the feeling.

I called my dad today and told him about Wasted being cancelled. He gave me a huge lecture about conserving money and tried getting me to see that spending $500 to fly 3000 miles to see a concert was ridiculous. I told him to shove it up his ass because to ME the benefits heavily outweighed the costs. Money means SHIT to me. I'd be willing to donate half my brain to go to that show. We don't use much of our brains anyhow.

After he realized he was not going to change my view, he told me that if I ever wanted to do that again, that he wasn't going to help me at all. Fine. I never needed his help in the first place. But I hate how he made me feel like I was trying to screw him over. He can kiss my ass on that one. Yeah ok, it's not safe to bet on the future. Well FUCK that. CARPE DIEM!

Why do I let these things get to me. Why do his bad days affect my day? Why does it affect me so much? Am I that emotionally involved? It's understandable because he's my father but it's supposed to be the other way around, right? He's supposed to feel bad when I feel bad. And I'm not supposed to care what he thinks. I never fully realized how much his thoughts influence my beliefs. I probably still don't fully realize. But I think about it every so often. And everything he thinks or says affects my everyday life. Most of the time subconciously. Is it that Freudian "searching for approval" bit? Or is it because we're very emotionally tied to eachother -- ever since Mom left. I just don't know. But I hate it. Does he realize that whenever he yells at me, I'm depressed for days? HALF the time I don't even realize that he's the cause. Most of the time I am confused as to why I'm feeling the way I am. I just think "it's one of those days." But I see now that I can't stop thinking about his words. "That's stupid." "That's not smart." "Sometimes we can't do things." "Don't screw over others in the process." "We need to conserve these next few years." blah blah blah etc etc

Now I don't know what to do. I want to go to California. I want to see Robbie. I don't want to piss my dad off. Well fuck him. It's my money.

Ever notice how being sad about one thing makes you want to purge all the bad things going on at the same time?

I think I fucked up with Greg. Only I have NO idea what I did. I try not to think about it. Sometimes I think I'm being a stupid girl: "he's mad at me, I know it." Oh shut up! His world just doesn't revolve around you! So I put it out of my mind. I text him. No reply. I understand two of his close friends just passed away. Two of mine have as well! One of them shared between us...

It just seems Greg is the type of person not to say anything when he's mad. And it's just all too coincidental with the letter mix up. I don't even remember what I wrote to Terri but it must have been crazy because I tell her everything and I remember that letter being like 7 pages long. Did he end up reading it? He never sent it back like I told him too, like he said he would. Did I say something about Robbie? About Bryan? What the fuck did I do? I think about Greg a lot and I get sad. I never ever never never ever wanted to hurt Greg. He was an unexpected treasure this summer and I cherish his friendship sooooo much. He's an awesome person and I always intended to be honest with him about my feelings toward Robbie. I never wanted to toy with Greg or his feelings because he's the last person to deserve it. So I really really feel like shit. What did I do? I just want to hug him all the time and make him laugh and smile. And that's what I don't get. He knows I can make him laugh and smile even in the darkest of times. He TOLD me so. And that's why I think I'm at fault because even IF a lot of shit were going on in his life, he'd call me. I make things better. But obviously not when I piss him off and now he refuses to talk to me. GAH!

And Bryan is still pissed at me. He hasn't called me since I left and I have no way of getting ahold of him. Only in this situation I know what I did. I don't think he's right for feeling the way he does, but I at least know why he feels that way. Still sucks.

All these angry males! All these men are not happy with me. DUDE -- The Lyrics that TOTALLY apply right now (and ALWAYS in my life):

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart,
I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over

-Modest Mouse "3rd Planet"

My eyes burn and my head hurts. I'm tired and in love. Listening to Modest Mouse right now makes me feel melancholy. When I listen to "Good News..." I get so happy sometimes I feel like my heart is about to explode. Like yesterday when I got off work. When "Float On" came on I was smiling so big, I had tears come to my eyes. I was just so fucking happy. Buddha. God. Spirit. Love. The Source. Happiness.

But this "Moon and Antarctica" cd makes me feel.... depressed but in a very good way. Difficult to explain I guess. I'm "down" but enjoying it. Or perhaps, I'd be depressed but listening to this cd takes a little edge off... a ventilation almost. Good music.

But I'm still saddened by today's events. I even missed Robbie's call which pissed me off because I wanted to talk to him about coming out. Nothing had better happen to fuck things up or I'll cry.

What else am I down about?

Keep writing. Keep writing. That's all I want to do. Keep writing. So ... tired ... eyes ... drifting ... music ... sleep ... nap. Just a sh...ort one .. . . . .. ....

yesterday - tomorrow