I'm a selfish coward
11.30.2006 - 2:04 am

Time to write. It's been too long and I shouldn't bottle my emotions any longer. It feels like I never have time to put my thoughts in order, but let's face it, I'm never going to make time and honestly, when do I write when things make sense? More often than not, I write to put my thoughts in order.

Ah le sigh. So let's begin. The right music. Some tears. And the right subtle yet determined emotion. I'm going to write what I've been in denial of and have been trying to hide from. But maybe if I get it out I can let it go and find an appropriate answer, and then be in denial of the answer until I'm willing to accept it, whatever "it" may be. That's me always expecting the worst.

Anyway, enough jibber jabber. My thoughts. My thoughts. Ah my thoughts.

I'm not in love. And I just had a dreaded thought that should wait till the end. But is this the lust that my highschool psychology teacher taught me about? It lasts a maximum of 2 years. Did mine last 7 months? Seven months. Time flies. Nothing explains the kind of hypocrisy I feel every day.

I feel selfish because I feel that what I'm doing to Rob is unfair. What am I doing? I have no clue. I've been so confused for so long. Pieces are being put together and the outcome is nothing what I expected... wanted.

I asked Rob how his opinion has changed of me the more he gets to know me. With new information, you're ideas obviously change. Mine sure have. I was hoping to tell him how I felt. I knew I didn't have my thoughts or words straightened in my head, but he's been so frustrated with me avoiding talking with him about serious matters, I thought I'd stick my neck out there and give it a shot. We never got to how my opinions have changed... and part of me is disappointed he didn't ask. Part of me is relieved I didn't have to say something cruel to hurt his feelings.

So I wanted to write how my opinion has changed. I feel I need to straighten myself out before I don't know which way is up anymore.

My opinons...

the best way to start is from the beginning, right?

Intially, here's how it went. You all know the story. I've been chasing after this guy since October of 2004. May 2006 Truimph at last!! I actually thought triumph hit the previous November when I flew out to see him in Vegas. Little did I know that he was not so certain about me yet. I learned just a few months ago how flirtatious he was being with other women. It kind of threw me off guard because I never suspected he would be like that. Then again after a little contemplation, I could see where he was coming from. Because he's been heartbroken so much, I could see where he would hesitate in being "exclusive" so to speak.

Regardless, he eventually fell into my plan and even made the move of asking me to be steady with him (something I didn't want to do in fear of being too pushy -- Lauren's gotta play it cool, yo).

And I've been crazy about him. In the beginning we had so much fun together. We were falling pretty fast because we could both see the potential of "us" and we were communicative and honest and happy.

So I thought, yes, here's the relationship I've been waiting for. No one to bring me down, only up up up! And I thought my psychotic days were over and I thought I could finally be happy, KNOWING by common logic that happiness doesn't last but being SOO in denial about it because I couldn't see the end of the road.

Then all the sudden, me being neurotic and psycho came back and I started to cry a lot. And it hasn't stopped. I rarely cry around Robbie. I never want to bring him down. I don't want him to be so concerned with me. I don't want him to worry. He doesn't NEED MY BULLSHIT! I have so much bullshit. Rob is too great a guy to have to DEAL with that. To have to deal with ME. I'm not worth it. I'm telling you now, I'm just a dumb whorebag and no one deserves my stupid crap. And here's where the story really begins. I have such guilt because I feel... gawd so many things I guess. I feel things are too wrong between me and Rob and I feel I'm too coward to do anything about it. Coward why? Here's an answer that eludes me because I don't know if I'm coward becuase I'm selfish and aftraid to be alone and afraid of what breaking up with him will do to me and my situation in general. Or am I coward because I am fearful of hurting Robbie and that's the last thing I want to do because he's the last person to deserve it. After all he's been through with relationships, I don't know how I could deal with that kind of responsibility. I might very well end up in an institution. Who knows what form that institution will take, but I would guess eternal solitude.

All the things that are wrong between us. Too often I think there is no room for me in Robbie's life or his heart. I think he cares about his family and friends and then music and I think that's all he's really capable of. I think work gets thrown in there but only because he's logical and likes to do a good job at whatever he attempts. And I've told him this a few times, but I don't think he understands what I'm really telling him. And who knows, I just might very well be wrong. I just feel Robbie is one of those people that should be alone his whole life and could still be satisfied. I know he wants a wife and kids some day but it's a natural urge. I, too, find myself in the same situation. A lot of times, I just feel I should be alone. My lifestyle I yearn, to travel as much as I want to, to help the world as much as I want to, to accomplish the things I want to... it would only make sense for me to be some type of nun. And I could still find satisfaction in my life knowing I did something great. But yes, I do want a husband one day and I do want to be a mother (in the conventional sense) one day. And I would always think about Robbie and the life we could have shared. Do I imagine a different man than I am with? I think we could be so great and yet, the more I learn about him, the more disappointed I become and the more I rethink my wishes to be with him forever and the more I wonder if I want to deal with... all of that. Isn't that fucked up? This is my guilt dilemma.

My guilt dilemma. And then I wonder if I should care about all those little things that seem to be adding up or if I should discard them and worry about the big things that matter. And it's the big things where we shine. We're a great personality match. Can a couple live on that alone? Or will the little indiscrepencies eventually screw us over? Such little things. Tonight I learned he didn't like the Lion King. And it's a PLETHORA of little things like that. And it kills me. Every time I learn something new like that, I feel my heart sink to the bottom as I mentally write another check mark under "WHY WE DON'T FIT."

One big thing that I worry about though, is a travel issue. I think I'm clinically insane. I think I hear things that aren't there. I think I overexaggerate people's responses. I think I hear what I want to. I feel disconnected from the real world. THIS IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION I CAN COME UP WITH TO EXPLAIN CERTAIN SITUATIONS.

Example. My dad. We've always had random arguments of "who said what" and I've always been so forthright and stubborn because I KNOW I'M RIGHT! I always thought my dad was just getting some form of alzheimer's or something because I SWEAR I would distinctly hear him say something (or sometimes not remembering him say something). And I passed it off like so, as alzheimer's. Then I get into this relationship and the SAME friggin shit is happening! And for the first few arguments me and Rob had, I was very stubborn and aggressive. And he himself admotted to not having the best memory (yet would fight to the teeth with me anytime there was confusion about him saying or not saying something). And then I started to think about it, how easy it is to mess up words, how unreliable memory is in the first place. And now I question myself on everything and Iquite literally feel like I'm going insane. How can it be any other way? I'm totally not connected with reality, I obviously make shit up in my head. Doctor, there has to be some sort of psychotic diagnosis. Maybe I really am Borderline and Scizophrenia is just around the corner. Gawd, I feel it so close sometimes and I get so... anxious, stressed, depressed, angry, confused, frustrated, SCARED. Am I that neurotic? What's wring with me?

So... what I was getting at was that the big issue that might very well be the determining factor is this issue with traveling. My neurotic self, I SWEAR I heard Robbie complain not once, but SEVERAL times about how much he hates it here and wants to get out of the states. I figured, we could live in Germany and settle down there. One, his parents want to move there and he loves his parents. And talking with his brother, Jorge said he and Rob have always missed Germany and consider it home. And I was so thrilled that things seemed so coincidental. I know he likes to travel.

But when we were just about to get off the plane to Vegas, I forget how we got to the subject, but he expressed to me he hated France and would never want to live there. And said he would never want to live in Europe. He likes visiting, but would never live there. And I had to do everything in my power not to ball my bloody eyes out because I didn't want to be a depressed mook when seeing his dad and brother. But GAWD how my heart just shattered into a thousand pieces and I immediately thought "I have to break it off with him. That's it, we're over" and all I ever think about is how Billy told me I was so selfish for wanting a family and wanting to travel so much. And now I think it's impossible to have both because I think Robbie is my last shot at anything like that. He would be so perfect. And I feel so broken inside now. And I'm never going to stop crying.

Gawd I have so much more to write and I have no idea where to begin.

Some of the things Robbie says makes me want to punch him. There's so many things I admire about him and there's just as many things that embarrass me about him. Sometimes I do feel out of his league. And then other times, when I'm reminded how immature and naive I am and how much I get on his nerves with my selfishness, I think it's he that is out of my league. And then I think, maybe it's just that he's playing football and I'm playing soccer and we're trying to play on the same field.

But ultimately, it's not about either of that. It's about me wanting to break up with him but I will never get the courage to do so NOT TO MENTION the fucking hypocrisy of my emotions.

So this part of me wants to leave. This part of me that is scared we're not going anywhere. That there's too much wrong with us. This part of me that sees him as too simple a man. This part of me that is too impatient to see if I can learn to love him. The part part of me that thinks he will never put his discouragement aside to love me in return.

And then there's this other side that is so friggin crazy about him that these past 7 months felt like a week. This side that feels like we never spend enough time together. That plans every day revolving around the chance to see him before he goes to work. The side that when I do get to see him, I get so overjoyed it's like a kid in a candy store. The side that appreciates his simpleness in hopes that he will make me more simple too. The side that knows I should just be in the moment and enjoy this GREAT thing that has been bestowed upon me and not worry about the future. The side that read that article on relationships and realizes that sometimes dating for the hell of it is a good and healthy thing. The side that DOESN'T do this overanalyzation.

And either side of my emtions would do anything for him in a New York minute. I care SO much about him. And it's funny that I just don't feel the "love" coming on. Am I too selfish? But should I be? I might just be in a state in my life where I NEED to be. I mean, if I care TOO much about others, I might put everything I've worked for in jeapardy (Let's face it, if Robbie romantically whisked me away and asked me to go anywhere with him, the hopeless romantic in me would rule over any logic I posess, so thank God Rob is the logical voice in my head that keeps me going).

Anyway. I probably had more to say, but after looking at the picture I have of us at Buca's... kind of put me in a whistful state and I've lost my words. I have no answers for what I've described. Only jumbled thoughts and rattled emotions.

My life consists of stress and anxiety and stress and snxiety and depression and stress and anxiety and neurosis.

And anxiety.

yesterday - tomorrow