The rocks with beer goggles
2003-04-19 - 10:50 p.m.

Ok, Last night: Some gay people at school passed out flyers for a kegger party at the rocks....yeah OUR ROCKS. Dumbasses. No dumbasses allowed! That's OUR place. Fuck. Well, i said to myself "i know a lot of people. I could get all those people, go there...steal the kegs and then go back to OUR spot (i guess they were ina different area at the rocks). well, I page Jose, and many many other people. We end up getting around 30 or 40 people. We get beer and then we head to our usual spot, thinking there were signs to lead to the kegger thing. There were no signs. We get to our spot and there's already like 20 or 30 people there. Ok...maybe just 20. But I know NONE of them. Who cares, we had beer, i had pills, I was gonna get fucked up. What did i do? i got FUCKED up. i don't know of any other time i've been more drunk. it was crazyness. I could barely stand by the end of the night. and the dizzyness was getting to my stomache a little bit. But i saw my Paulie, and i really didn't think we'd get to chill. But we did and gosh, he's so great. I'm falling for him i think. We had a talk discussing where we think we stand in eachother's lives. and sometimes i just feel really young and stupid compared to him. What the hell is he doing with me anyways? I'm like 11 years younger than him, and i just don't know. it's my low self confidence, but really! Then again, when i talk to him, or just see him and the way he behaves toward...well anything, i just feel so comfortable, because you really can see his age with his personality, but it's the only personality that could not only keep up with me, but challenge me too. I could see myself taking a chance on him...the kind of chance I never give to people...even when they desearve it. But if broke my heart, it'd all be worth it, and that's how i know i could chance it on him. but that's that. i felt bad...and even more like an idiot, because i was so fucking faded while i was talking to him...and if he was drunk that'd be one thing, but i was doing all the mingling and beer bumming and he had no alcohol...or barely any all night. I guess bryan's real upset that i'm getting with paul, but fuck bryan. He thought dawn was mad at him, but then got ahold of her and found out she was only busy, so now all the sudden, because they're in contact again, he's too cool for me. I'm getting no more letters. Oh and she's picking him up from jail too. He get's out April 26, so I wrote him the lyrics to the Apr.2(9), 1992 song (ya know, Sublime?). I thought it was completely appropriate.

So i'm hungover right now...and tired...but i wanted to write about my great night. i had so much fun. i'm, gawd, happy. i had a lot of fun. katherine's pills kick ass. I gave 2 of them to Rooze...who was there....with tyler...they felt out of place...being two jocks in the middle of a crowd of punks and shit. haha. they're cool jocks tho, so i let it slide.

P.s. Nate the great is moving this thursday to riverside and i'm really sad. i've had a crush on him for 4 years now and i still haven't made a move...but ya know...my courage is building up...and paulie doesn't have to know about anything. this is just a way personal thing between nathan and me..i just...too complicated to explain our relationship i guess. i just know i'll always love him.

yesterday - tomorrow