FUCK Bryan
2003-08-20 - 5:54 p.m.

Alright. Bad day...really bad day...man, what a bad night... last night...bad night...

So I find out Bryan did some shit with Jeska... (shit being tweak, not like..sexual or anything) ...and so when i found out...my buzz was GONE and I was just really really mad. I go home and I await Bryan's phone call. 8:30, it's here! So the bitching starts.

Alright, to skip a lot of details, Bryan does drugs, I'm getting CRAZY about it...and Bryan's intelligent response is "Well I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal."... yeah, AFTER i cry all the way home from pamona when he just ASKED me if he could do some.... uhm, that big of a deal? How can he NOT know how I felt about this issue??????????????????????????? HOW?!?! Am I fucking sobbering bitch that cries about any little thing? I didn't think so, but now that my tears aren't having a HUGE impact, then I start to doubt myself. AHHHHHHH! GOD! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I HATE....EVERYTHING right now. FUCK!

So Bryan talked about 10 minutes to the hour I talked, and I didn't know what the hell was going on. He never tells me shit. "Oh i don't know what to say." something is better than nothing. tell me what you think. FUCK! Oh yeah...and then after bitching s'more, THEN he tells me how much I'm over-reacting.... but oh, this is AFTER he said I WASN'T over-reacting when I asked him if I was. SO WHAT THE FUCK. YES? NO? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAWD!!!! I feel so...i don't know. I feel rage. the kind of rage that I haven't felt since i was a kid and would fuck up my knuckles by punching wall after wall. Breaking windows and burning shit. AHHH! I hate myself right now. I feel like I'm going insane, like some psycho that should be locked up. What The hell is going on with me? Why do I feel this way? Why is this such a huge deal. I don't know. My dad didn't think I was over-reacting...or he thinks that this "over-reaction" is some subconcious feeling that means deep down inside I don't want to be with Bryan....which... is something I already thought about a long time ago....and...I just can't walk away... even if I wanted to, I'm in too deep now....and I'm just gonna fuck myself up....or bryan's gonna fuck me up. I don't know. I don't care. I just don't want him to something irrational.... well he already stole Jimmy's car...but...that's....Bryan...that doesn't have to be irrational for Bryan...i mean irrational.

But FUCK. man, no one else I talked to about it seems to think I'm over reacting...but then again, I probably put my own twist on the story...they only heard my side.... and they heard about feelings I had that I didn't express to Bryan either...so....I don't know anymore, I just don't know. I keep trying to stay busy....so then I won't do anything irrational.

So that's my stupid fucking story....I don't know what will happen.... but updates are....likely?

yesterday - tomorrow