Insomnia sucks
01.02.2005 - 6:44 am

alright. It's almost 7am (locally) and I still have yet to go to sleep. Time is going by kinda fast for some reason. It feels like I'm on drugs. Or at least staying up this late and doing what I'm doing gives me the same feeling that drugs did. And what AM i doing anyway? Well, fuck, so many hours passed by and I really didn't accomplish a whole lot. I mostly played around with different templates for this diary, and I settled with this one. Man, I love making cool templates. But yeah, then I started an eBloggy thing and linked it on here. I used the same template. I fucked up at first because eBlog is a little different than diaryland, so I couldn;t copy and paste exactly, but it only took me a few minutes to figure it out. That kinda made me feel like a tweaker. And I have a weird taste in my mouth... I think becuase of my hangover yesterday...anyway, the taste reminds me of being a tweaker. And I'm still not tired. That really makes me feel like a tweaker. I'm pretty wide awake... just doing twacked out things like messing around with the stupid puter even though there's nothing really for me to do. Damn. I suck. Then again, it's only 3am Hawaii time. But I don;t think that's an excuse becuase I seriously doubt I still have jet-lag after this long.

I was reading some old entries on this thing. I got weird feelings about the Billy situation. Like...I think I'm completely over it. I don;t know. Sometimes I just feel stupid. Like I shouldn;t even be around Billy. I was thinking about that one day while driving here. I seriously have no urge to even be around him. I think about him, and it feels like I don't even know him. It's a very odd feeling becuase I remember that I USED to not be able to live without him...but I don;t remember the feeling at all...I just remember I had it before. But yeah, I think about him now, and my first thoughts are how far can I get away from him. I seriously don't ever want to talk to him again. Not becuase I'm angry, or sad, or hurt, but... I don;t know what it is. I just feel very weird around him. I feel like I don't him what-so-ever. I don;t feel comfortable around him liek I used to. I don't feel like he's my best friend anymore. I look at him and feel nothing. Completely numb. Numb about everything. A blank slate. A flat line. errrr. It's so weird. Is this some sort of defense mechanism? Like how I don't remember my mom living with us. Or how Billy doesn't remember if Sara was around in certain memories. I try to get back the feelings of friendship I had for BIlly, but nothing is there. I know he still wants my friendship. He talks to me, says he hopes I can be "big" enough to still keep in touch with him. But I think it would be too hard. Not hard like...it hurts. Difficult, because I have no urge for him to be involved in my life. He has no purpous in my life. Or perhaps, I have no purpous in his life. I think that's it really. I've felt that for a long time. Ever since I found out that he "wants [Stephanie] to know him the best out of everyone." I mean honestly. That boots me out of "best friend" lable. And Billy said himself he didn;t understand those lables. Implying he didn't believe in a "best" friend. I don;t think I can settle for less. Only because I have so many great friends that I just discovered I always had but never took advantage of. Anyway, with all my great friends... I don't really need another... and Billy... ok, well I remember thinking he was the greatest friend I ever had. ANd I think it was becuase he actually cared about me when I felt no one had ever really cared for me. But now i'm discovering all these cool people that deeply care for me... so I have no use for Billy anymore. He's nothing to me. So yeah. I don't think I'll keep in touch. Maybe in a few years. When he calls me for his wedding... to Stephanie. pft.

7:02 am

fuck. I should take my contacts out but I don't want to go downstairs. I kinda have to pee anyway though. And I kinda wanna get up and walk around. Perhaps get a drink. Something to make me NOT feel like a tweaker, but since I stayed up all night, I don't think anything will work except sleep... except going to sleep in the middle of the day will still make me feel all twacked out. I bet it's light outside. hmm. Dear Prudence. Siouxie and the Banshees do a nice cover. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Only not right now becuase I feel all weird from thinking about Billy.

New subject: Jake. Yeah right. That's not such a warm and fuzzy feeling either. Ok ok. Terri and Katherine say I'm sprung on him. I don;t think so. I think he's cute. Some stuff he does make my heart do some flips. But only stuff that I notice Billy never did that I wish he did. I really liek the parts of Jake that are drastically different than Billy. I'm so used to Billy's cold-heartedness, that I automatically assume Jake is similarly cold-hearted... but he does some stuff that makes him seem so compassionate. I dig compassion. It's definitely a turn on. I don;t like "cheesy" but it's nice when people are considerate of your feelings and thoughtful. Jake is definitely more thoughtful than Billy. The only thing that makes me do half-frown about Jake is the God thing. I'm really goin through a tough one with my lil spiritual journey...and I dunno. The whole athiesm thing really ain't floatin' my boat right now... fuckin' a. whatev. right? Lol. Jake is cute though. Everytime I say "Muah!" I think of him. It's like blowing kisses or something. HAHA! How CHEESY. =) I'm such a fucking dork. Oh jeez. I need someone to hug right now. This cat has been laying on my lap the past 6 hours... too little to hug... but fun to pet. purr purr purr. =) i love key keys. but not when they step on keyboardsand sit in front of the puter so I can;t see what i'm typing. NO KITTY! THAT'S MY POT PIE!

friggin cat.

PEEK-A-BOO! I always want to dance to this song. It's so hot. HOLY HELL THE CAT IS CLIMBING UP MY LEG WITH HIS CLAWS! MOTHER JESUS. god damn cat. Peek-a-boo makes things better. =) bliggity bliggity blah. I'm going to go pee. Or something. AH CONTACTS DRY.

7:31 am

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