All Is Full Of Love
01.25.2005 - 8:11 am

Why can't I shake this? I shouldn't lie to myself. It rarely happens. But oh so once in a while I just... can;t hang. It's almost been a year and I still get sad. I'm sure Stephanie here isn;t helping too much. What the fuck is so special? I don;t know. I don't care. Someone help me find my footing, I'm lost again. I don't think it should last too long... but it still sucks. Will I ever find love again? I think that's the issue, really. And the shitty thing about it, is I'm only looking for the "sex" part. Maybe when I want something deeper, I'll find it again. No I guess I want it all. I just associate the "sex" part with comfort... being comfortable... no self-conciousness, etc etc. I want someone who knows me and can deal with the lack of sex. Or at least someone I'm comfortable enough with to tell them I don't want it. Why do I fight myself on this? Why do I NOT have a firm stand on this? Why am I still thinking of Billy after a year? Yeah we fought a lot and we weren't happy together and we never should have been together. But he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I straightened my life up, I cleaned my life up. I found out that it is possible to feel completely comfortable when you're naked with someone (both physically and mentally)... and now... I feel so lame. I feel like it's so far away. I need someone I can talk to... someone to be with... really be with. But these are the times when I gotta remember to be okay with myself first. Might as well practice what I preach, right? Nothing material in this world will make me any happier... including a boyfriend. Yadda yadda. sad moment over. I'm gonna get ready for school.

yesterday - tomorrow