Lauren is stoopid
08.08.2005 - 10:39 am

Yesterday me and my mom went to Calico Ghost Town to see Jill at her photoshop. You know that place that takes your picture all old school? Yeah she owns that and it's always fun to take pictures. I thought we would yesterday, but it never seemed like the right time to bring it up. I guess she's getting pretty burned out on her job. But it's funny to hear Jill bitch. You just can't ever take her seriously.

Her and my mom have known eachother since 6th or 7th grade or something like that. So she's been around for everything and when I was a little lass, I LOVED seeing her as much as we could. She was totally my inspiration; everything I wanted to be when I got older. She was the aunt I never had so to speak. She taught me everything i Know about painting and drawing and I love talking to her about anything. She's one of the funniest people I know too. Her and my mom always had the horse thing goin on. I Wish we could have ridden yesterday, but we had dinner together instead. Some Italian food place that wasn't all that great. But it was nice being in the company of good people. Some Jews ate with us and that's who I was mostly talking to about my education and marine bio nad astrophysics etc etc etc whatever. It was nice. I enjoyed myself.

Soon as we got home, Pifer called and asked if I would do him a favor of driving to Pamona with him to pick up his car he left down there. I guess I was the only person he trusted and I could drive stick and I Was happy to do it. I really wanted to see his mom and Nicole. His mom didn't say much to me, but me and Nicole had a blast. She's like 6 years old now na dcan talk all clearly. She's gotten so big and she's changed a lot - looks wise. SHe's still adorable. So we had fun watching spy kids and talking about being a spy kid and playing and yadda yadda. I love that little girl to death.

So ever since I saw Bryan the first time this summer all Icould think about when I'm with him is all the shit we've gone through together. All the messing around, then chasing, then a relationship, then I fucked up on him, and I can't believe he's still around. I'm such a stupid bitch. Yanno, and Bryan's a great guy, but we don't work well together in a relationship. We're good for fucking and being friends. And I just feel like shit for thinking in the back of my head that I want him back. I think it's just the fact that I don't have a chance since he's having a kid and all. That's IT. Bryan train is closed for service. It's just stupid human nature and the whole "you want what you can't have." So I push it away. But he does look really good and I'm glad to see he's doing well for himself, I just hope I don't fuck up things with him and Amanda. I don't know how long my guilty conscience is going to eat me. I feel weird today, kinda disconnected. Like I want to shoot myself in the head. I fucked up once again. ANd with an ex. That's horribly wrong. I'm such a stupid bitch. And to ponder again: Why the FUCK won't guys just let me say "NO." I SUCK at saying no and guys make it so hard on me. Persistence, persistence, persistence. Leave me alone for Christ's sake. No means No. =/ I suck I suck I suck. Stupid whore.

yesterday - tomorrow