Where o' Where
08.09.2005 - 11:58 pm

Played Everquest ith my dad today. It was fun.

Went over to see Billy and Stephanie at her house. It always seems like I'm fine until I see them together. It hurts so much still and I'm not sure how to handle it. Since I wnet over there, I've been depressed the rest of the day. I was very happy to go over to Jeff's and finally give him his present, but it seemed like I was distant and disconnected and my mind was off somehwere else, being sad and shy. Jimmy was actually being nice to me. The second time he's ever talked to me with respect and dignity. I always get nervous around him though like I'm going to say something to set him off. I always like talking to Jeff though. I wish we could do it more often. I always feel bad because it seems like every time I go over there I'm sulking. Or I'm quiet. If he only knew what a jittery jabbermouth I was. I bounce off the walls and so giddy every day all day. Such excitement, happiness... but I don't know if he's ever EVER seen that side of me. Always there with Billy and becuase of that, I'm always half focused and dreary.

Why do I get so down about Billy? It's been too long to feel this way. Why me? Why not me? The only questions that float through my head. I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. My only answer. I feel rejected. Dismissed. I never want to do anything. Billy asked me to play that stick thing with him and I just feel bleh. Any other time with any other person and I'd have jumped up and played with enthusiasm. Billy just looks at me and I want to shoot myself in the head. Or shoot him in the head. He can jump around like an idiot and he's the only person I am not amused with. Anyone else would make me smile or chuckle. Billy does something crazy and I just sit there with a blank face. I hate you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you.

I am lost. I forgot the things I've figured out about life. I've fallen off the path. Somebody help me find it. What was that about Buddhism? What was the Dharma again? Enlightenment? What was that? Where did it go? Wayne Dyer, what was he talking about again? The Source? Where did that feeling go? The path? It's times like these my dad tells me to read the Bible. Maybe I should do it without the reminder. Buddha where are you? Pure energy, I need you. God, whose name is Love, I want you near me. I just need someone to talk to. Remind me what life is about. Remind me what it feels like to have a soulmate. Remind me that this world does not have to be this dark place it is turning into again.

The path
The matrix
The c h o i c e

yesterday - tomorrow