Unsure of Myself
11.28.2005 - 8:37 pm

I'm going through an "Unsure of Myself" period. I have the opportunity for life-changing choices and it frustrates me. Because I can pretty much cope with anything, whenever I have a big choice to make, I doubt myself. If someone told me that I HAD to move to California, I'd deal with it. Be okay with it. Whatever. But at the same time, if someone told me I was forced to live in Hawaii, I'd be okay with that too. Because i am okay with myself, I can be okay in any situation I'm put. However, when it comes for ME to decide my fate, I'm never sure what the "right" choice is even though in the back of my head, I know there really is no "right" for me, or better put, both choices are in essence "right." More people seem to think I belong in California for now, and that reassures me for a time. And there are plenty of things to look forward to there. But is it really for my own good? I feel like a failure for leaving early. Not to mention all the reasons I love it here: the people, the atmosphere, the weather, et all. BUT, I can convince myself of anything. Rationalize anything. I could totally point out all the SHIT in Hawaii too that makes me want to leave. I can put myself in any mindset I choose. That's where I stumble. Because I can choose to believe anything, I'm not sure where my heart REALLY lies. How i REALLY feel about moving back.

So let's try to decipher Lauren's unbiased feelings. Let's be honest with myself. Completely honest.

I think I may have come to Hawaii too early. Although, if I were to look back, I think it was good to leave California. But then again, I'm very greatful to have had the experiences I did here. To live completely self-sufficient. To experience society here. To be so far from "home." But maybe coming here also made me realize what I have back in California. This upsets me because I feel like a fucking cliche. Everyone who leaves, feels they need to go back. I DO NOT WANT TO GET STUCK IN THE DESERT. Am I pussing out? Talking with my dad led me to believe that I am not pussing out. But I still have those doubting thoughts in my head. I want to believe I can hack it but something inside me tells me I can't. That on the outside I may be trying to act tougher than I really am I justify that by simply saying "I just left a little to hastily." I also justify it by saying "my friends and family need me more right now." Which, that statement does hold SOME truth, but it's silly of me to lean on it for support. I think deep down inside I got a little scared and now I'm running home. We'll see what happens during the end of Spring semester and if I make it to San Diego.

More honesty. How do I reallllly feel about California and Hawaii?

California: I reallllly don't like the people there. Most piss me off in one way or another. Ya got the stupid trendy people that are imposing on my precious scene. Ya got stupid drivers. Ya got shallow, self-centered, vain nitwits. Hollywood fucks. A shitty economy. And for the most part, it's all in So Cal, so I feel at ease knowing I'm trying to make it to Northern Cali.

I do miss my friends but I still think I'm a detached person and can live without them if forced to. But when i'm with them, i never want to leave, as exibited by this last summer.

Hawaii: I like the people here for the MOST part. There are still stupid scene-sters. And I see a lot of discrimination. However, 99% of the time, I love meeting people who have a way better outlook on life. the people here think more like europeans, and you know how much i love europe =). So i appreciate that.

However, I do not appreciate my school. I like some aspects: small class sizes, some pretty good teachers, there are more things that i can't think of (sad, i know). But i don't like my school's general policy. I don't like the way they deal with money. I don't like a lot of the systems here. I don't appreciate being smarter than every math teacher i have ever come across. I don't like how my school sucks at transfering credits (i think it's a scheme to keep us there, the fucks). I don't like a lot of the stupid shallow people that go there just because they think "it's so cool to go to school in hawaii." fuck you, i came here for valid reasons: marine biology. and it's because i don't want to major in that anymore that i want to leave. Hawaii does not provide me with what i need. i COULD transfer to University of Hawaii, but i have not heard the best reviews there either. mayyybe for marine bio, but my interests now lie with Astrophysics.

And i don't like how few friends i have, although the ones i do have i love to death, but it's hard for me to feel comfortable since i haven't known them as long and in fact, still feel like an "intruder" to an extent. I just miss my friends back home. I ammmm also happy that Mike will be moving to Cali, since he is my favorite Hawaii friend anyway. Although i will miss Aaron a great deal and also the rest of the guys at the tattoo shop like leif and tony.

so i'm having serious doubts about moving back, especially when i go outside and remind myself it's deceber and i'm wearing a tank top and cut offs. the only way i make myself feel better is knowing once i;m IN california, i won't have second thoughts about hawaii. but still, until that day... i ponder.

yesterday - tomorrow