Make It Chemical
08.15.2006 - 8:24 pm

I was just thinking about medications today. How they affect people. Like for some reason, I can't get it out of my head that meds are all fake. I need to realize that they do actually do things. So... I'm on birth control now. And... I still get uberparanoid... because I think it's all useless. But sometimes I feel really weird. My emotions a little haywire. Not real bad, like a mild case of PMS or something. ANd my body has been doing weird things physically too. But sometimes I wonder if that part (the physical) is all in my head like a placebo affect. I don't know.

So anyway, I was thinking about people like me who don't think meds really do anything. I have that so ingrained in my head that when I'm ON meds and they ARE doing something (i.e. changing my mental state) I think that I'm really going crazy. Then someone points out "Oh I bet it's just the meds and the way they're affecting you." And then I think "what a cheap copout. It's not the friggin meds. It's me! And I'm crazy! I'm going crazy!" But... maybe it IS just the meds and I just don't want to realize it. So then I started thinking ABOUT emotions and our mental state and how we are merely controlled by chemical reactions and electricity zapping in from time to time, place to place, and that is allllll our emotions are. Chemicals. So we take meds and it messes with those chemicals. How odd that all it is is a frigign chemical reaction. Sometimes it just doesn't SINK IN that we are a product of chemical reactions. Our personalities? They're... not... really... us... just some serotonin in our brains. And we can control the level of that serotonin. Am I the only one who thinks this is weird? I've always been aware of this fact but I never allowed myself to GET IT, because I knew this would happen. I'd freak out that all we are is a mixture of chemicals. And what about those people who would be really fucked up WITHOUT those meds. The people, who... if they thought like I did, think they're really okay. They could stop their meds and still be okay. But they wouldn't. And that's scary.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll someday drift off the radar and lose my sense of reality. I have the genes for it. I'm just waiting for that clock to stop ticking. Sometimes I get dangerously close. And I feel bad. I'm about to jump into a lifelong thing with someone... and one day I might go crazy. How would they feel?

Hmm.

yesterday - tomorrow