Great Sex Last Night
08.18.2006 - 1:23 pm

Yeah. It was really good. Not the best but definitely an improvement. I was impressed. I just want some foreplay dammit!

Ok.

So lately I've been feeling jumbled. You might ask what about? I don't KNOW. That's the shitty part. Usually I have some big contemplation, some issue, some... situation. Well lately there hasn't been ANY situation. Good or bad. NONE. And it's been confusing the hell out of me and frustrating me. And driving me ape shit. And because there's nothing for me to focus on, I've been RANDOM. Not a cool kind of random, like Lyle and his antics, but just DUMB and I've just been mumbling stupid CRAP that means NOTHING. I don't EVER want to mumble NOTHING. It's just downright pointless. But it's like... I feel like I want to say something to someone... and I have no idea what I want to say or who to say it too. In turn, I've been really messing with Robbie's head because he doesn't understand what I'm doing. Hell even I don't understand what I'm doing and therefore messing with MY OWN head.

Gawd I'm ghey.

Well. Due to this lack of focus, I've been taking life too seriously (trying to find my focus) and I've been completely NOT laid back and have been ever so angsty, anxious, edgy, and ANAL. I've been taking everything personally, been getting embarrassed way too easily, and allowing myself to get upset over the stupidest crap. This is not me.

I came to an epiphany last night while crying to myself for accidently punching Robbie in the face. He didn't mind. He knew I was just being clumsy. I, however, got frustrated with myself and stormed into the bedroom to bury my face in the pillows and cry. I've been so clumsy and retarded lately that I feel like a huge embarrassment to Robbie and I was sick of.... disappointing him with my absurdity. Assuming others were thinking "my God, that's your girlfriend? Gawd."

Well, Robbie came into the bedroom after a while (obviously not knowing how upset I was, which, if I were myself, would have been a typical sarcastic joke, and therefore he had every right to be unaware of my thoughts).

So I told him my dilemma best I could. And I told him my epiphany: I'm in a great situation. I'm in SUCH a great situation and my life is going SO well, that... I feel like crap. I feel I don't deserve any of this. I'm used to being SHIT on so much, that this new craziness of utter happiness has been way too much for me to handle. I THOUGHT I was handling it. But after so long of NOTHING bad happening to me, I realized that I can't cope. So I've been looking for the shit, and I've been overly sensitive to anything coming my way.

And of course Robbie made fun of me at that point. And then he did the greatest thing ever. He told me he understood. He talked to me about a time he was in a similar situation. And he reminded me to live in the moment and enjoy life as it comes. He told me I would find a way to accept all the great things that have come along, that I just need to chill and enjoy it while it's here. I cried a little more. I cried and laughed at the same time. I hugged him really tight. And then we had really great sex. ::sigh:: really great.

yesterday - tomorrow