Selfish Coward: Part Deux
01.29.2007 - 12:21 am

Ugh. I've meant to write a follow-up on that last blog.

I've been so lazy and dumb. I've lost my zest for writing my thoughts lately...

Anyway, I'm going to have to sum up the conclusion in some fashion...

I'll try to be as succinct as possible.

Basically it goes like this:

I realized my problem within like a week of this contemplation. I realized I was putting too much importance on my relationship with Robbie.

My problem is that Robbie is higher on my importance list than I am on his. But I'm the one in the wrong because he shouldn't be as important as I've been playing him. I've put him on the same level as marriage and it's not right. We should still be carefree and laid back. School and work and life should still come before him. He's got it right, his family, friends, and work come before me. He doesn't worry about how much he gets to see me. He knows I'll be around.

I, however, center my whole day around when I see him and for how long. If I can cut class to spend an extra half hour with him before he goes to work I will. If I should stay at work because I need the hours but it's his day off, I'll pass up on the hours. Things like that. And because I've put him so high on my list, I get too emotionally involved when he brushes me aside for something more important.

If we got married, yeah, I'd want to center myself around him because I'm pretty traditional as to how I view all that: becoming one person in the eyes of God -- a sanctity to become closer to Him. etc etc blah blah. But as my boyfriend I shouldn't care so much. I need to just do my thing and when we see eachother, cool. If not, oh well, there's always tomorrow.

I'm just still so crazy about him I never feel like I get enough of his time. And I get jealous of the other things in his life he puts in front of me. It sucks to get jealous, but I'm just sick of being second rate. I just want to be the center of some guy's world one day. I hope there's a time that Robbie views me as both family and friend so that I may be a priority... if only to feel that special. Maybe I'm just egotistical. Whatever. Everyone likes feeling special.

So. I've felt better since I discovered that, and I've spent the better part of the last two months since having to remind myself of that realization. Because I fall into the trap allll the freakin time. And I burst into tears a few minutes before breathing in, remembering where I stand and where Robbie needs to stand, and breathe out a sigh of relief. Oh yeah, that's right, I need to be okay with myself as I am. Oh yeah, I forgot. Silly me.

My life in a nutshell. I think I'm destined to live out this vicious cycle of melodrama.

yesterday - tomorrow