So It's Come to This, Then
02.10.2007 - 3:18 pm

How am I going to deal with this? How am I going to prepare myself with how alone I'm going to be feeling. I want to be a good girlfriend for the time we have left, but all I think about all day long is you leaving and I can't handle it. My heart has been aching so much and I don't know if it will ever end. I know it would help if we talked about what is going to happen, but I'm afraid to hear answers to my questions. Afraid that I already know what you're going to say.

I feel so left out. Your friends knew more than I did. I tried to let you be the kind of person that doesn't talk to me much about your feelings. I stopped trying to pry into your emotions and contemplations. But here I am so fucking in the dark and I feel so worthless. These huge events you brush off so nonchalantly and I don't know what to make out of it. Do I matter at all? You mean too much to me to try and live my life and make decisions without putting you in the equation some where. And I know we had a great talk about you needing to live your life and me needing to worry about myself and I was understanding and I agreed but the context is so different now that I don't think I can go along with that anymore.

And now I'm thinking about all the shit that has led up to this and I wonder How the FUCK was I supposed to know all this was going on. I have been kept in the dark. Why is this such a recurring theme? I mean, first it was the decision of whether you were going to stay in the military or get out in August and the next thing I know you're talking about getting out in May. I was so confused. You didn't update me at all on that one. I had no idea. And you would claim of telling me. And maybe you did, but the way you say it, you say it like it's not really going to happen, like it's still a thought, like it's no big deal.

And then you were talking about staying in San Diego and doing the border patrol thing. Or looking into police stuff here or even possibly moving close to Jesse in Sacramento. And this one was worse than before, because it was when we had that talk to so LIGHTLY said "when I go to Vegas." TOTALLY for the first time. And because you said it so lightly, I thought MAYBE you were going to look into it. I really didn't even think that until I saw you bought a plane ticket. You didn't even tell me you were planning on looking so soon, or even in person at all. No, all the sudden I see an itinerary. No word. No... nothing.

And then wham bam, you say Vegas is the way it's gonna be. It didn't even feel like you looked into other possibilities. Not to mention I was STILL under he impression you were just going to check things out. And you look at me and talk to me like I should have known all the time. "Babe I told you."

Told me what?! This is new to me! I had no idea.

So now what? There's more than one thing that plagues me when I cry and all of them hit me like an anvil.

One, I feel completely... worthless is the only word that comes to mind. I feel totally unworthwhile. I feel like I completely don't matter. I feel bad though, because I feel selfish thinking that he should think about me before deciding anything like that. Do I deserve that kind of recognition in the first place? I kinda feel like I do. I mean... do I matter? Do I matter? Do I matter? Do I matter? Do I matter? Do I matter? Do I matter? Do I matter? Do I matter? DO I MATTER AT ALL TO YOU?!

Second, I am so devastated that he's leaving. I mean, the first issue is about the reasons behind the act, this issue is about the act itself. Like, I'm going to be alone. I can't be with him every day anymore. No. Lauren gets cut off after a year. I don't know how to deal with that. I mean, granted I've wanted to move out because I don't want to live WITH him, but... I'd LIKE to be in the vicinity. To spend time with him during our free time. Have lunch, dinner, whatever together whenever we want. Now, how much time will I get to spend with him and what will that do to us? I'm afraid of a long distance relationship. I'm afraid neither of us will handle it effectively. I'm afraid we'll drift apart. Like, when I was still living in Hawaii, there were a lot of times I just did not want to talk to him over the phone simply because I didn't want to have to hear his voice knowing I couldn't touch him and be with him at the same time. I remember the torture I felt being 5000 miles away not knowing when I'd see him. I'm afraid when we do get together, I'm not going to know what to say to him, how to feel about him, how to be around him. I'm afraid all the work I've done trying to get him to feel comfortable around me will be for nothing. I'm afraid I will be just as uncomfortable. I would hate that. I hate the nervous feeling you get in a new relationship and not seeing him as often I'm afraid it will come back. Mostly, though, I'll just miss him all the time. Gawd it was so hard to concentrate in class. Always thinking about him. blah.

Lastly, my feelings of sorrow come from the selfishness of my own situation. I'm so dependent on him, what's going to happen to me? I can't stay in San Diego. I'm going to have to uproot everything I've worked for here. Will I have to move back to Victorville? That thought alone brings tears to my eyes. I don't want to go back. I never want to go back. I'm so afraid of that place. Everywhere I go I feel so unsafe. My own neighborhood I feel like I'm going to be in a drive by shooting, or a bad meth lab accident or someone's going to break into my dad's house. I'm so afraid to go back. I don't want to back track my education. Does VVC even offer the physics classes I need to transfer? What am I going to do? And if he leaves in May right after he gets out, I still need to finish my semester. I'll live in my car for a couple weeks I guess.

I just don't know what's going to happen. And I don't know when I'm going to stop crying. I love him so much and I've never even told him. I want to beg him not to go but I don't feel justified. I want to follow him to Las Vegas because I'm willing but I don't feel worthy. I feel like the only way I could go is if I were to have a good enough job to pay for my share. Where would I find a job with the pay and hours and still go to school? Not to mention having to pay out of state tuition. I would still do it even though my dad would probably hate me for it. But like I said, I'll never be worthy anyway. I just feel like such a burden. I feel like he wouldn't want me to come anyway. Sometimes I think he feels I smother him. And now I can't help it because all I want to do is take advantage of the time from here until May.

I don't know what to do and I don't even feel like doing anything right now.

yesterday - tomorrow