Rags and Bones
02.25.2007 - 11:24 pm

I'm getting a little better at detaching myself from the big bad situation. I still cry everyday. I still feel kind of listless, like I really don't want to do anything except numb my mind with distractions and sleep.

But I feel... like it's getting easier.

I'm trying to do my own thing. Who cares about Robbie. I don't need to obsess. I can just chill on my own.

I still feel torn about moving to Fontana or trying to make it out here.

::sigh:: living my car is almost worth it to get to Santa Cruz. Now I have obligatory feelings to help Marjhani and Kelly. How I would love to be with them every day! But what will happen with school?

I'm so scared. So scared of my own feelings. Scared of being alone. Scared I'm not going to make it in life. I'm not one to give up, but what if I'm in a situation where I'm forced to. I mean, we'd like to think that we can do anything if we put our minds to it, but what about things out there that are simply out of our reach no matter HOW hard we try? Can I continue with school? Will I be forced to take a break to work more and yet further post pone my degree? I'm so scared.

Am I just being a spoiled brat? Lazy? Over dramatic? Ridiculous? What am I doing. I don't know anymore. I feel a little lost. I feel like I'm pretending to know where I am and where I'm going and the reality is I don't know jack shit. And I'm still in denial about it all.

I feel sick. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts.

I feel a little broken inside. Used. Used? yeah. I could say I feel used.

I'm so scared. Broken. Hurt. Scared. I kinda just wanna curl up in a ball.

Go away world. Go away.

yesterday - tomorrow