Some thoughts to Robbie
03.12.2007 - 5:50 pm

I have a complex. My inferiority complex is complicating this whole situation. It's making me paranoid. I'm not good enough. I think I'm really cool on the surface, but once people -- okay specifically boyfriends -- get to know me... get to spend enough time with me to know how stupid and uncool I am... then I feel like I'm a huge disappointment. And because I feel this is happening with Robbie, I feel like I can't trust any broad that gets led on by him, regardless of his being too thick headed to even realize how much he's flirting with them.

Heather
Nicole
Shellie
Sara

It goes in order of concern.

I feel like when girlfriends become disappointing, guys get more care-free and flirtatious. Looking for a way out, or just some release from being with a nagging whore.

Robbie's friend Sanchez is doing that. His wife treats him like shit and she's definitely naggy and controlling... and typical. And what stories do I hear? Of really hot chicks in his class who he jokingly pretends to throw his wedding band off to go talk to them.

And yeah Robbie's a flirt, as am I, but... I tell Robbie about my flirting instances and we make a joke about it. And because I include him on these flirting escapades, we have our inside jokes and our relationship feels tighter. Like, because I tell him and we're able to joke about it, it feels like we're that much closer as a couple. That much stronger. He means that much more to me. Like, I wouldn't share that information if I didn't care about him. If I didn't care, I would go on flirting like I was single, not giving a second thought. But when I flirt or someone flirts with me, all I can think about is how funny I can make the story when I tell Robbie "Dude, guess what happened to me today?!" ha ha. ha ha.

But Robbie never talks to me anymore. Come to think of it, we did joke about his flirty times in the past. With a girl Brooke. But it just doesn't seem like he talks to me anymore. And I feel he thinks I'm jealous. And when that assumption arises, that's usually when the communication door closes because then he'll think I'll throw a fit... and who wants to deal with that? All I want to do is joke about it with him. I just want to mean enough so that he can tell me a girl likes him and we'll both know without saying anything that I'm the only one for him. I don't have that feeling.

I remember I used to. I remember in the beginning, walking to his truck. I felt so cool and so special, like... yeah my boyfriend's truck. MY boyfriend's truck. I get to ride in it as HIS girlfriend.

Now when we go somewhere together, I feel dead. I don't feel like he thinks about me the same way anymore. I don't feel that excitement from him that I used to feel. I remember feeling his pride to be with me. Now I feel like I'm the last thing on his mind.

Now I feel like certain females occupy his mind more frequently. Why can he talk to them and not to me? Because I'm not in the military I wouldn't understand? Am I too young to understand? Quit pointing out our differences! I'm not so out of your league and you're not so out of my league -- if you FUCKING let me in your life!

I try to be so supportive. I try to show him HOW MUCH I'm there for him in ANY time of need. Just let me hear your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams in life, your fears in life, your concerns you have every day.

He's such a stupid mystery sometimes. Like he has these big secrets. And I thought after some time I'd be let in. Not once has he told me he loves me. And maybe it's because he doesn't. But I just don't feel like I know at all how he feels about me. Does he like me a little bit? Does he want to break up with me?

I just feel like I disappointed him somehow.

Like I was a lot cooler in the beginning and now that he's gotten to know all sides of me, he's disgusted with what he sees.

Is there anyone out there who likes me for me? Who would enjoy my quirks? Or at least care enough to learn about them?

Inferiority.

yesterday - tomorrow