Concerning my Insecurities
03.17.2007 - 9:41 am

Why does it seem that everyone around me has these perfect relationships? And I know they're not really perfect but everyone seems so happy all the time.

Why is it that in the relationships I'm in it always feels like we're on the verge of breaking up. I don't see anyone else going through these struggles. Maybe they're better at hiding it? I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Where did I get these insecurity issues? I've become so complacent and patient with Robbie and all the CRAP he does that annoys the shit out of me because I'm so scared that if I make a fight out of something (especially random, small and insignificant) then he'll wonder what he sees in me and break up with me. So I bite my tongue. I hold back ALL my feelings except for the happy ones and in turn I suffer like crazy on the inside. Have a meltdown. Pick myself up and start all over.

I can't do this anymore!!

I don't get it. Summer brought up good points. I am a worthwhile person -- so why don't I give myself any credit? Why do I think that everyone wants to break up with me. Why do I have these insecurity issues! I always feel worthless and stupid and like I'm being compared with every cool, awesome, laid back girl he's ever known. I did it with Billy too. Is that where it started from? The Billy/Sara ordeal? Did it start because of my parents' divorce? Where are these insecurities coming from. I feel like I deserve all these mishaps but why? Why do I feel so shameful, so worthless, so low?

I feel histrionic, neurotic, ridiculous, needy, clingy. I didn't used to be this way. I'm always so laid back in the beginning but then I get overly serious. Why do I have to be that way? Why can't I just chill the whole time?

Why hasn't he told me he loves me?

Why do I feel so undeserving?

Why can't I ever let go? I'm always so happy when I'm alone, so why don't I let myself be alone? Am I that masochistic in that the only comfort I have is feeling miserable? Sometimes I just want to be happy and sometimes I feel like my depression is a gift. Why do I enjoy hurting myself so much? I could choose not to look, I could choose to wait, to take Robbie's word for things. But I pry and I find out information that kills me and then I'm listless and wretched the rest of the day. I cry and I cry and I never want to stop.

I don't understand who I am, what I've become. And I look at my dad, my grandma, these people think so highly of me. My humor, my personality, my being. And that image in no way coincides with how I believe the way Robbie looks at me. Billy.

Why can't I behave around Robbie like I do with my dad and Robbie could see how awesome I really am.

But I don't fear my dad leaving me. And therefore I can be more like myself. I don't fear my grandma to stop loving me, so I'm not afraid to say what I think, knowing they'll be there the next day. I love arguing because I think it clears the air and I've always been a fan of passion. Anger, love, beliefs.

My dad knows me so well I can be stupid for a moment, let's say by getting upset over something ridiculous, and I have the knowledge that he won't look at me any differently.

I feel Robbie doesn't know me well enough to have that comfort. That's where my fear comes. I feel he'll judge me based on one incident.

I don't know what to do when he comes back on Tuesday.

Tell him my thoughts without fear? Or be the happy-go-lucky girlfriend who's completely laid back without a care in the world.

I first need to know what HE WANTS. He never talks to me. Does he want a serious relationship? Does he want us to go somewhere? Or was I merely supposed to be something fun while he's in California? Was I supposed to mean anything to him in the first place? Maybe not. And in that case I should just chill.

But if he meant for us to be something more then I need to let him know how I feel. About us, about him leaving, about his communication (or lack thereof).

I need to be fearless. I need to feel okay with whatever outcome -- whether he breaks up with me or not.

He was my last shot at anything of this caliber.

And if it ends?

Well then I can finally go be an Amazon in the jungle.

See? It's not so bad...

yesterday - tomorrow