Let's try this again
03.28.2007 - 8:24 pm

I'm learning to love myself. I realized where these insecurities are coming from. I realized that Billy made me feel really worthless and made me feel like I was the biggest regret in his life. I realized that I had already convinced myself that Robbie already felt that way. I have been looking at our relationship with this film over my eyes. I have been thinking about these other women in his life with this film over my eyes -- constantly comparing myself to the "sara's" and "stephanie's" of his world. They don't exist [in this relationship]. They shouldn't exist [in this relationship]. I made them up and was insecure about every one of them because I felt like Robbie thinks I'm a waste of his time.

I think this realization of where my problems root will help me overcome my feelings of worthlessness. Before, I was just jabbing at empty space, trying to kill the thing that plagued me but not knowing exactly where it was coming from.

I know now. I can overcome and defeat it now! I can start building up my self-concept of a worthwhile person. I'm really starting to feel it now -- where a few weeks/days ago I was trying to pretend I felt it.

But I have to be patient. I have to realize this self-build up will take time. And I'm going to need a lot of reassurance along the way and I'm going to need some key experiences to create analogies for (because I'm the type of person that needs concrete results instead of pure epiphanies in this type of situation).

GOD I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

To REALLY feel how MUCH Rob loves me. HE LOVES ME. And he needs more time too, because he still holds his insecurities of getting hurt again. It's OKAY. I will be patient, KNOWING we are moving FORWARD.

I love him. I am loved. We have a great thing going on and this will keep me on my feet.

Content.

yesterday - tomorrow