Paulie is gay and I'm going to be antisocial again
2003-05-10 - 1:35 a.m.

Alright. Today was a pretty good day...minus all the bullshit work in class. This whole week has been pretty good. Maybe I was looking forward to seeing Paulie tonight.

Paulie's B-Day was today...i guess, or it was at least celebrated today. But let's go in chronological order:

Number 1) I get home from school and cook up some chicken for a salad. Greg calls me "hey, do you think you could pick us up from the court house? (yadda yadda)" I say "hey, sure, gimme 20 minutes." I leave to go pick them up and the first thing Jeska says (like everyone else) "I talked to Paulie." It's like we're the cool new thing to talk about or something because everyone and their mom has been telling me the same thing: "I talked to Paulie!" OOOH, i talk to him too. big whoop. Lol. But everyone really wants us to be together (I'm not too opposed to the idea). But I guess Greg and Jeska chilled at Paul's house the night before, and that's where they were coming from, but could only get a ride as far as the court house.

2) I go back home and do my chem lab report...talk to some people online...just wasting time. Dad comes home. Bugs the shit out of me... then we made-up.

Paul calls me and tells me to go to his sister's around 6pm.

3) It comes to be around 6, i think, "i should call greg and jeska and see if they got a ride." ( i did not want to drive, in order to get faded) They did not find a ride so I said I'd drive... and greg sounded pretty urgent on the phone.

4) I go over...Jeska runs out of the house "omygod, omygod, omygod (etc.)" I don't know what the fuck is going on but jeska looks really worried. me = very confused. Jeska tells me that Greg and her got walked in on by Greg's mom (having sex). We laugh...ok well I laughed and talk about it for most of the trip.

5) Arrival. We get there...there's like nobody there except Brian, Stephanie, Stevo, and...Bobby...and maybe other people. We wait for people to show up. Jimmy shows up...and others...we end up jumping on the trampoline. It was good.

6) ok...lot's of waiting, nothing special (i guess i didn't need a whole number for that)

7) Paulie's band starts playing. Good times are occuring...pitting...and mingling....others drinking (not i, for i was driving). basically: the usual.

8) HUGE FIGHT breaks out. i wasn't too clear on why, but from the knowledge i get..i GUESS, some guy was "intentionally" punching Phillip in the pit, and Paul straight up threw the mic down and rushed him (some guy we didn't even know...like the neighbor(?) or something). Well everyone jumps in. It was....stupid. (I guess all fights are.)

9) playing pretty much stops and it turns into a house party...with music inside. OK SKIP A LOT OF TIME Paulie inquires why I have been sitting on Brian's lap (Steph's bro). At that point I am very very confused...really very seriously trying to figure out if he was messing around..or...what? I was just confused...sitting on someone's lap? There WERE 3 people on a two seater couch...but there was no lap sitting. Thru the entire night there was no lap sitting...at least from me. Dawn sat on my lap....does that count? Sooooo....after being confused for a while, i realize he's very serious about this lap sitting. And still yet, more confused do i become. What is all this talk about lap sitting? Who's sitting on whose lap?

10) Ok, Paul goes somewhere...I don't know where. And me and Dawn and Stevo are talking about old times and just chillin and singing songs.

**Oh yeah, and Stevo is back to his totally cool self (as in the Stevo I knew when we used to chill on the hammok until 7 in the morning and then fall asleep to Shawshank Redemption)...good fucking times**

Alright, so with Stevo being cool now, I have had such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I just felt really bad that Steve was acting so weird for so long, but he's back and I'm happy. WELL...wait, this is time for number interruption:

11) Jeska calls me over and tells me that Paulie is mad that I have been sitting on Brian's lap. (Ok, WHAT THE FUCK. I DO NOT GET IT. I AM CONFUSED. MORE LAP SITTING! WHEN WHERE WHY HOW??????) I tell her that i have NOT been sitting on anyone's lap the entire night. and I go ON to tell her that ever since me and Paulie have been seeing eachother (I'm guessing the night they played at the Fly for the first time) I have not even TOUCHED another guy. I have Not tried to get (or get up on) anyone...guy or girl...and I don't understand what's going on.

Maybe he was so drunk that sitting right next to Brian made it look like there was lap sitting. So far, with about an hour of contemplation, that's the only RATIONAL explanation I'm able to come up with.

Jeska goes on to tell me that Dawn went in the room with Paulie and told him something along the lines of "I've liked you (or have had feelings for you) and I still have them, and look at what Lauren's doing (she's fucking you over). I like you and Lauren's not right for you( ...or something)" and blah blah blah, tried...or DID kiss him. Basically stabbing me in the back.

So Jeska's freaking out about this WAY more than I am ( i could care less that dawn likes paulie and says all that shit. i could EVEN care less that she tries to kiss him...more on that later). So the only thing that I am mad at, is that Paulie thinks I'm trying to get with all these "numerous" guys. Like he was saying shit like how fucked up i am...espeecially in his sisters house and i'm trying to get with all these guys (made it sound like quite a few).

~I figure that Dawn could do all the shit she's trying to do and it doesn't matter. Why? If me and paulie were meant to be together, a little stupid thing like Dawn-trying-to-fuck-things-up will NOT get in the way. And if it DOES get in the way...well then, my friends, fuck Paulie, we just were not meant to be together. WILL I LOSE SLEEP OVER IT? i think not.

And uh, check up on this somebody because i don't wanna jump the gun, but as I recollect, Dawn was sayig the same shit to Bryan (Pifer). Wasn't she upset or something that he got with another girl...like they were supposed to be together or something. I don't know. And also, wasn't she getting mad at greg because he wasn't giving her the time of day? She was getting weird about greg hanging out with some girl? I don't know. According to some people Dawn has like 10 secret relationships right now.

NOW- I'm really good at sensing things, but i would have NEVER pinned Dawn for being psychotic...but shit, son, some of the stories I hear...things she's said...thing's she's done...it kinda scares me. And Dawn does NOT tell me SHIT anymore...and still claims we're sisters....LAUREN DOES NOT GET IT.

See folks...THIS is EXACTLY why I have been anti-social. Every time i try a relationship...or even just hang out with friends...it's cool at first...for a little bit...then weird stupid shit happens that makes me feel like an IDIOT for even being involved in such childish behavior...and believe me...ALL THE SHIT THAT WENT DOWN TONIGHT WAS VERY CHILDISH.

SOOO. what I don't get is...how can one person like or want to have 10 secret guys. I don't know about you, but one is enough. Ok, fucking buddies...maybe like 2 or 3...anymore that that = uhm no.

And what else i don't get: I thought me and dawn were friends... maybe i just haven't been updated on the whole friends code...or something, becasue last time I checked, friends don't do that shit. At first I thought "maybe i desearve this, maybe i did something similar to dawn and she's getting me back" so i thought for a very long and hard time. I don't recall one incident where i tried getting with her "man." yeah i flirt. but i flirt with EVERYONE...and i don't descriminate sex either...I'm talking about everyone. OH, and If paulie can't handle my personality...about me being on the flirtatious side, then i HOPE he tells me to fuck myself before i say it to him, because i'm not going to change stupid ass shit like that. (btw...what i call flirting is maybe touching the person as i talk to them. ok maybe i don't call that flirting, but i'm a very friendly person...and i'm more on the "european" side of things...at least in the way i handle people. Very touchy, feely, etc.)

yesterday - tomorrow