Complications of Being a Nomad
01.20.2005 - 6:58 pm
Well. Where do I begin? I was walking home from Jake's today...this morning. Annnd. I dunno. I hate feeling the way I do. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I like to stop by the lighthouse and sit on the railing and look out onto the ocean by Kailua Beach Park. It's the most beautiful sight right when the sun is coming up. It takes my breath away. But at the same time, I look out and... feel like I'm intruding on something. Like I don't really belong there and no one wants me to be there anyway. Yanno how locals can get, and especially locals of a small community. Well the whole island acts like a small community and I feel I've trespassed somehow. And I don;t know what it is becuase I feel like that everywhere. I don't know of any place where I could set up camp the rest of my life. I love it here and I'm not ready to go, I feel I have way more exploring and discovering to do, but it's like I always have it in the back of my mind that I will be leaving one day and it's a relief somehow. Why? When it's so great here and fitting... of me, of my personality, why would I want to leave? Sometimes I even think about going back to California and there's some relief there but I hate California. I think the relief comes from me KNOWING California. I mean, how can it NOT feel good when you're somewhere you're compeletely comfortable with? That's California for me. I know it so well I could never feel uncomfortable. But I don;t want to be THERE the rest of my life either. But THAT feeling doesn't sprout from the "trespassing" feeling I get from being here. I feel if I lived in Cali the rest of my life I would have gone no where and done nothing and be a slack, a pussy, and unaccomplished. Being in Texas, I know for a fact I could never live there the rest of my life and again, it comes from something different. There, I feel like I'd be surrounded by a bunch of fucking moron hicks. So everywhere I go, I have all these feelings for why I don't want to be there. When the fuck will I find a place that doesn't cause that? I'm so frustrated.
I just want to find where I belong. WHERE DO I BELONG?!!?!?! flippin' A. why why why why why why. christ almighty. I remember feeling good when I was in Germany. Like I could be there for a LONG time. But was that all in my head? I haven;t been there for a few years, I don;t remember what it felt like. But I know that whenever I see anything about Europe, like on TV or something, I get so excited and so sad at the same time becuase I want to be there that very second. I think I belong in Europe. I think I need to move there. I need to experience it once more and confirm my thoughts. Yes. But shit. I can;t wait to go to Thailand. I'll have a broader scope on where I want to be and where I need to go...etc etc.
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Another thing that has been frustrating me today is MY SCHOOL. I went to meet Billy and Stephanie at University of Hawaii @ Manoa. I've been thinking of transfering over there for some time becuase I've been paranoid from hearing so many people wanting to transfer there. Well being there has made the decision so much harder. I really really really like the atmosphere from walking around down there annd... fuck. I was so frustrated I started writing down all the pros and cons of my school and just some pros and cons of what I saw personalyl and heard about via third party about UH Manoa. I dunno, man. It's hard. My friend at HPU who came fromUH (at Hilo, though, not manoa) said that I should sit in on one of Billy's classes. I think I should too. My only concern with UH is class size. I like how HPU had a max of 20 people per class. I head at UH, it gets into the triple digits. That;s not cool. And that brings about concern of a TA teaching the class. Also not cool at all. Dammit. I just don;t know what to do. I mean, not all the pros and cons weigh the same. Like, I care about class size more than location orrr... what's hUGE to me, is how I;m not meeting anyone at HPU, I mean, that;s ALMOST reason enough for me to transfer over. So it makes the decision making a lot more difficult. Also, I've grown comfortable with HPU's standards, expectations, ways of things....it'd be like a huge culture shock to change schools and learn everything over again. I dunno. I really don;t know what to do. Ah well. This semester will be nice and maybe will help me decide.
yesterday - tomorrow