What An Odd Zen Day
01.22.2005 - 8:58 pm

I love the British. They're so much smarter than Americans. Yadda yadda I know I made a huge generalization. WHATEVER! I'm sitting in an aquarium in Waikiki. It's on the International Marketplace and made as an attraction for tourists to shop at the clothing store it's located in. I like to sit in here for hours while I'm reminded why I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. So while I'm in here, I see and hear a lot of people. Most of them are.... well... know-it-alls. They come in, trying to impress the people they're with by naming all the different fishes... mostly wrong names. haha! But I hold nothing against them. I am a people-watcher, and this title means I'm unbiased, non-judgemental. I merely observe... and most of the time i am amused. How much I hate people at imes, I really love them as much, if not more, at other times. People are funy. Nuf said. Watching makes me happy. Especially the children... so fascinating.

Anyway. A British family walked in. The kids first. Three girls. I couldn't tell they were British at first until one of the girls said "Let's 'goo' to the 'tope'(top)" Then they ran down to grab their parents and the whole family was a joy to watch for any People-Watcher. They were the most intelligent and least ignorant of any thus far who have walked in. it was fun listening to them... the amount of enthusiasm... the [correct] naming of the species... general speech. et al.
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I wrote that earlier today in my notebook. I couldn;t resist writing. I've had a semi awkward day. I've experienced this once before and oddly, I ended up doing the same exact thing as I did last time, only I didn't realize it until after I had done it.

I felt awkward at my house. I felt like I had to get out of there. With Stephanie around and nothing but laughter and playing around... it makes me run the other direction and I become a stick in the mud. I turn bitter and NOT fun. Like, Billy wanted to show me something and I could've done the whole "oh ok, let me be enthusiastic barbi!" and been all excited and put on a show. But... I just don;t feel like it, so I said "oh i've seen it" and of course he had to bug me more and more so i became annoyed and i know if he would have asked one more time I would have yelled and screamed to leave me the fuck alone. Patience wearing thin.

So I tried watching a movie... to no avail. Then I decided to go up to my room one last time to check if I got any new eamils... myspace...etc. I'm such a feign. But lately I've been sick of the puter and that makes me happy... stupid puter adiction.

ANYWHO. The puter check was quick, I put on my sandals and got the FUCK out of here. Stephanie asked me if I wanted to talk to her family when i reached for the door handle. FUCK I THOUGHT I'D SLIP BY. so i said sheepishly "sorry I'm leaving" and I tried leaving as quickly, but as politely as possible. I know if I make one wrong move and the whole house is in an uproar with "why is lauren being so stupid. why is lauen being such a bitch. uh oh, lauren is depressed again. what's wrong with lauren.." BLAH LBLAH BLIGGITY BLAH SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHOLES.

I put two books in my bag... both spiritual actaully... i don;t know if that was coincidence or... what. I go downtown, I sit on the bench, i Read. I read the first chapter f the C.S. Lewis book A Grief Observed about his feelings when his wife died and how he questioned God... yadda yadda. All the sudden I got real tired. Then again, I hardly got any sleep. Thanks Jake. Well, I stop a sec. Take a look around. Decide to read some of the other book I brought, one of the Left Behind series. It was a little more interesting for the moment. I take a break, go to the cafe across the street and get some tea. I read s'more. Then it's getting late and I get a little cold. But alas, it's only 5:30... I need to kill at LEAST 2 more hours if I want to escape Jake pressure (harsher than peer pressure).

So I decide, instead, to go to Waikiki and walk around. Actually, I thought I'd go to the beach and read more... but I ended up just walking the International Marketplace. Then I remember my favorite aquarium get-away and I stop there and kill two hours. It was a good time. I don;t walk any further. When I'm done there... I'm done. I go back to the bustop

Anyway, that's exactly what I did LAST time I felt like this. Weird. And what is "this" that I speak of? I have no clue. It's a very mellow mood. Semi depressed... but also very very happy. I can;t really explain it. When I'm in it, I never feel like saying much... if anything. And I love to watch people and be happy about the world and the human race while I semi-dwell on my own heartache and troubles. But those seem to disappear slowly with every minute I watch others and become satisfied in the world I live. I don't know. I've learned to deal with my depression a lot better lately, and I think this weird Zen-like mood is some byproduct. It's like the opposite of BLEH... it's more... Hmmm-uh. Lol. I don't know. Strange feeling... and I can;t tell whether I like it or not. I'm liking it right now...but I fear when Billy and Stephanie get home. I seem to sulk when I;m around them. Loathe the self-pity. It's disgusting. Speak of the devil(s). Let's see if I can prevent the sorrowful disgrace. =) HAppy face. C'MON LAUREN. =)

yesterday - tomorrow