The Past Is Ugly
02.01.2005 - 9:01 pm

i both missed and hated billy today. I came home and we started talking about different religions and what he's been learning in his religions class and what i know about hinduism and buddhism and what he knew about western religions and growing up "a pastor's kid" and such. He told me he never questioned God and I told him I think it's good to be put in a situation where you question him, because you come ut of it more aware of life and more reassured in your convictions. He's never agreed with me on that. And as a side note, I think it's because he's naive and never had to deal with anything in life so hard that it made him question the existance of God. But anyway, he's reassured enough I guess. Then he was saying that... sometimes he just waits for things to be over, because he (like many other christians) feels that he just has to believe and then wait. I got excited becuase essentially, that's what Buddhism is for. The filler. While you're waiting. Hey, how about living your life? Wellllll.... Buddhism...the middle way... = living life. So instead of lying awake at night, wishing to "wake up" into the next realm... Buddhism teaches you to embrace those moments. So anyway. I get excited because I see an oppority to share this obsession with Billy. I feel an opportunity to connect with whom I used to so well. An opportunity to remember why for so long he was my best friend. buuuuut. we all know the ending to this sad story. he just kinda looked at me and yanno didn't "get it." He just said the same thing, how he just wished he could get away. I kinda blinked in disbelief, but at the same time, knew he could never appreciate anything that has to do with me because of the way he views me... how he thinks about me. He used to like me a lot. We would talk for hours on end about different philosophies on life... but over the time we were together, he lost all respect for me... maybe it was my relationship (lack of that is) to God. I think that was a big issue. Perhaps why he's so much closer to Stephanie. I don;t know. I just know that it doesn't matter what I say, what I don;t say, hat I think, believe... he's always going to compare it to Stephanie and sigh a sigh of relief that he's with her and not with me any more. He doesn't have to deal with my bullshit anymore. He's able to take sanctuary in what he and Stephanie have in common and look back on his relationship with me and laugh that he ever even took a chance on me... we're so different. I bet we could talk about the same exact things we agreed on before, and this time would find flaws in it, becuase it's me... and he thinks he knows me so well and knows how i think... and disagrees with that, and therefore with anything that comes out of it. I hope he's happy. I know he is... but sometimes I want him to fall and break... just out of vengance. and that's wrong. But I can;t help it. I don;t think that way for long, just a few fleeting thoughts, a chuckle, and then I wish him the best. I was a transition. That is all. A support, to get back up and try again. I wish I had been more, but he looks back in dusgust... not pride. I look back feeling sorry for myself. Why did I get put in this situation? It's a pretty shitty one. With STepanie here and all. It's pretty fucked up of both of them. How am I supposed to react? What did everyone think would happen by bringing her here? Yes, pretty fucked up indeed. But whatever, right? I get to move out soon and never have to see him again. Never have to think about him again. I can erase him from my memory becuase that's what I'm allowed to do. Fuck him.

yesterday - tomorrow