Amber Is The Color Of My Energy
02.13.2005 - 10:21 pm

I changed my profile back. I don't know. The other one made me feel self-concious in a weird way. Yet, here is a big picture of ME and...I dunno, I'm strange. This one just seems more down-to-earth....me. Hello.

Well well. why do I write. What brings me here today. Diaryland is my "issues" web-journal. Myspace is my... contempaltion journal... this... this is my FUCK OFF EVERYPNE journal. I can vent here. I don't step on toes here becuase few people are brave enough to read it. Ok, well really there's only one "scared" person... the others just don't care much. Which might actually make this journal more "in your face" because I have the mentality while writing it of "If you don;t care, fine, let's see if you can handle THIS." I don't know. I'm not really that "in your face" -- maybe sometimes... most of the time I'm a big puss. But I don't know if it's so much that really, but more... I've learned to care about other people's feelings more and I don't feel like being so rude... but like I said... there are those times and I could really give a fuck if people are offended or "hurt" by what I say. Shut the hell up you whiney piece of shit.

So. Why do I write? I'm here right now becuase I annot keep my mind focused on what I should really be doing -- school. It's 10:28pm now and I have a critique on some dumb broads argumentative essay due tomorrow for my writing class. I think I'm gonna ditch anyway because I want to get that apartment... which makes me less motivated to be focused on it tonight because I figure I can just do it tomorrow... or the day after. Fuck. I'm so stressed out about this apartment thing -- another reason why I can't focus. My thoughts take up all my brain... I can't be stressed and do homework, are you kidding? shit. Gawd I hope I get this apartment. If not, then I really hope I find something by the end of the week. AHHH. PLEASE. That would suck titties if I didn't. MOTHER.

Yeah, and I was also thinking about the Billy/Stephanie situation. Yeah, shut up. I can't wait to find someone who will take my mind off that subject for good. (Ahem, Lauren, that someone is you). Yes yes. I suck. I hate how the thoughts just kinda pop in my head randomly. Today, I was talking to billy and he said some shit about his back and all the sudden I zoned out into those blood-boiling thoughts and he's like "helllo... what are you thinking about, my back?" ...uh...yeah, sure... yeah that's exactly what I was thinking about. It just confuses the hell out of me sometimes... how did it happen. I always wonder that if i was cooler and never went all "psycho" on billy and.. yanno... was cool that we would still be together and then what would happen of Stephanie? Would they have met, but nothing happen? Would I have prevented their love? Or would something happen to make them happen because.... yanno... fate. If you believe in that, then something would have happened regardless and they would still be in love. Or of you think people govern their own lives, then... me and billy would be together and perhaps this living situation wouldn't be so harmful to my emotional health. I don;t know, i always wonder. I still look at him sometimes and miss being with him... it seems kind of weird to me that he would know someone better than he knows me and vice versa. Does stephanie know billy better than I? It's hard to imagine. I still can;t do it. It feels like she's as much a stranger to him as to me... because... I don't know. I don;t know anything... hmm. Blood.

Alright, well it's been 10 minutes... 10:38pm... will I do my homework? I guess i'll try. it's hard. I have 311 playing and i just wanna sit around and watch the equalizer. Winamp is so damn cool. Fuck. I'm losing brain cells. Shit sucks. I feel tired.

I hope I get that apartment.

yesterday - tomorrow