Homeless Beach Bum
03.01.2005 - 9:48 am

Ok. It's the first day of our Homelessness. We finished cleaning and packing up around 10:20pm and got in the U-Haul...and waited. We didn't know exactly what to do. We ended up driving to Waikiki and circling different places. I guess Justin called one hotel and we decided to go there. One night. Hundred bucks. I got real depressed being there becuase all it reminded me of is when we were in the hotel for two weeks when we first got here way back in August. That's when the worst of the worst was going down between me and billy and the "stephanie situation." I had no clue the way he felt about her until those two weeks and it spawned a kind of depression I'd rather not go back to. So fucked up when I think about it. I think about all the deceit Billy did. All the lies. All the wrong information. All the dancing around. Blinding me. The fuck. Anyway. I started to cry a bit, but I was too tired to go through with it and fell asleep peacefully. Waking up only when I was too cold and then woke up right before their alarm went off at 7am. It was a shitty room. It was a shitty hotel. That day was the shittiest day. Today started out pretty shitty, but only becuase justin was in a bad mood from having to wake up so early. I fucking HATE when he's in a bad mood. It pisses ME off. I just want to slap that pouty fucking baby face and tell him to stop being a little bitch. The only thing that stops me is knowing that'll just piss him off more. Gawd. It fucking SUCKS. Anyway. We tried going to Quiznos to eat but the bitch wasn't open until 10am. So we went to this "Paradise Cafe" place and the lady was so irritating. Completely confused with Billy and his order. Their menu sucked. In the sense that you couldn't tell the price of anything. Fuck man. Parking was expensive. Billy andJustin owe me $1500 and I'm so nervous. I have to stay with a friend for 2 weeks and I'm gonna be a nervous wreck because I'll feel bad for staying so long. I know I'm more than welcome, but I hate being a burden on anyone. I want to get real shit-faced a few nights I'm there but I know that'll just make me more stressed out and I'll end up flipping out somehow. One place that's cool is gonna get ahold of me via email and that's convienient. The place i really want has no clue I don;t have a phone anymore, so I have to call them and go "uhhh" ... The place I really want is probably more expensive though, so... I don;t know if i should try for it anyway, but I need to keep my possibilitis open incase I get rejected from this other place. I don't know man, I just don't know. My grades are gonna drop, I know it. I've been to stressed the fuck out to study anything. I can't keep my mind on one thought. I want to be a little baby and cry and have someone pity me but I'm way too tired to think about it. It'll probably make me feel shitty anyway because pity annoys me. I don't know WHAT THE FUCK I want, actually or WHAT THE FUCK is going on. I'm tired and scared, that's all I know. I'm too tired to think, I'm too scared to do anything about it. I feel fucking lost as hell and I'm not sure what to do next. What the hell is going to happen? I guess it'll be an interesting adventure I get to tell my kids about. ....if I get that far. Anyway. Anyway what? fuck man. I can't tell whether I'm pissed off, depressed, or... blah. And then I did the smart thing and drank coffee this morning which, ever since I quit meth, my body treats like a fucking speed trip. So I'm probably not gonna eat all day, be anxious as hell and look cracked out and shakey. I'm such a loser.

However, a guy looking for money to ride the bus told me I was beautiful and knew I was from California becuase I had "the ocean in my hair." That sounds so poetic. I have ocean hair. I really am a beach bum.

yesterday - tomorrow