Why Did You Hafta Go?
03.03.2005 - 12:54 pm

Billy and Justin leave the island today. I went to the airport with them at like 8:30am, but the plane won't leave until 2pm or so. Billy waited with me at the busstop at around 9:30 -- I had a class to go to. We sat and just chilled. I started to cry. I miss him so much already. He was my closest and best friend I ever had. I've never trusted or cared for anyone as much as I have him. I love him so much and now he's gone. I was such a shitty girlfriend and then an even shittier friend. And now he's gone. I've been crying randomly all day from thinking about him and us and... him. We had some good times. I think more bad than good actually. But it's all a blur. All I remember are the times laughing and playing with him. Even more I remember the cuddling and taking care of eachother. First weeks of haning out. They were the best. I remember we were so amazed with one another because of what we felt when we were with eachother. All the times sitting in my car for hours on end just talking. Philosohpies. Epiphanies. He was the only other person who understood what I was talking about. I could tell him anything. He could tell me anything. So comfortable. So naked. So beautiful. He's so beautiful. And now he's gone. He hasn't been out of my sight for more than a half a day in the pat year and a half. How do you deal with that? I kept telling myself "good riddance! good riddance!" but when it finally came to it, I couldn't let him go. I couldn't hug him tight enough. I miss my best friend. I'm so alone. So lost. I feel like someone ripped off half my heart and crumpled it up and threw it away... put it on a stand-by flight to LA. We used to talk about that, too. Being "connected." We always felt conected. He was my other half. My better half. I'm all alone... and not even whole. The whole bus ride downtown I felt this emptiness. Something was missing. Something is missing. Where do I go from here? Everywhere I looked, it felt like nothing was right without Billy. Stores, riding the bus, going to the beach. Even walking around school, it just hit me, I'm not going home to see Billy. I felt so alone. So empty. Not whole. My chest hurts. My eyes burn. My head is achey. I've been crying too long. When will this end? Maybe it will be easier to get over him this way. Maybe we'll get closer this way. God I hope so. My world subconciously revolves around him and it's scary. I miss him so much. They'll be on the plane in 30 minutes. What's going to happen after today? I'm scared. Nervous. Anxious. The only advantage I had of being able to have him physically is gone. We're not connected anymore. So lost. So sad. So jealous. So angry. I miss my best friend.

yesterday - tomorrow