. . .f u c k. . .
03.17.2005 - 6:16 am

fuck. I spent the night at Jake's last night. It was weird. He took a shower right before he came to bed. At first I just thought he smelled real nice and it made me yanno, want him. So we were messin around and then I realized it was a familiar smell but I couldn't pin-point it. So whatever right? Then it hit me. BILLY. Jake smelled EXACTLY like billy. even the breath coming out of his nostrils. So then fuck. Alllllllllll I could think about was Billy after that. I had to keep my eyes open even, because when i closed them i thought i was making out with billy. Jake was even doing more "billy" moves too. It was horrible. I just started crying. I couldn't take it. I had to stop. His smell made me want to kiss him harder and push him away at the same time. It was that bad. I couldn't even believe myself. It was so crazy though. And so depressing. I felt bad for Jake. I couldn't tell him what was going on, I just told him "it was his smell."
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But yesterday sucked in general. I found out one of my closest friends Nathan (you might know him as "Nate-the-Great") got into an accident the night before last and Christoph told me the doctors say he has 30% chance of living. That was some of the most horrible news I ever got. I'm glad no one was here at Courtney's when I found out because I was freaking out and crying pretty loud. I hope I get to talk to Chris today to see how my Great Nate is doing...

"Nate is great! He brings us chocolate cake!" -- little diddy my dad used to sing to him every time he came over. I think Nathan hated it, but it caught on and we alwasy sang it.

I miss Nathan.

yesterday - tomorrow