Dawn's crazy birthday and Random Thoughts
07.15.2005 - 3:25 pm

I fucking hate my computer. I fucking hate how it's broken and I can't fucking figure it out. Stupid blue screne of death. FUCK.

Well before the blue screne of terror hit, I was writing about how I haven't been in the mood to write at all. Though I'm one for records ad memories... writing in here hasn't been appealing at all.

oh well. I just woke up from a nap, so I'm feeling awake, full of different feelings and I think that means this is going to turn into a random thoughts kind of entry.

First, lemme map out how Dawn's birthday went. July 13th I was supposed to go down. I got mad cramps while babysitting my cousins and I felt too shitty to drive two hours only to still feel like shit and just pass out in an uncomfortable situation. So I left the next morning around 9ish. Still feeling a little crampy and way groggy, but by the time I got on the freeway, I was feeling a lot better and was good as new by the time I arrived. So by 5pm we're getting pretty smashed playing 'three man'. Then the kick ass boys show up: Jared, Omar, Austin and A-Ron. Blah blah blah, I'm sure some shit happens at the house, but finally, we decide to go to Moonlight Beach so we can have a fire that night. Well, Aaron had a beer and was drinking it from the parking lot to the beach and I guess a cop saw him and tried talking to him, but he brushed him off, so when we got to the bottom of the beach, two cops pulled him aside.... he got arrested and put in the car. Shit. So everyone wants to leave and we decide to go to the boys apartment on Encinitas Blvd. There was nowhere to park, so me, Royce and Alley park in this shop since it's off hours and there were other cars parked there. We go inside and have a good time. Me and Dawn wrastle a bunch. She got a few good shots and one good body slam, but I made her eat carpet. Then me and Austin wrastled and I made him eat carpet. Psh. I was pretty wasted too. Well, a girl, Britteny I think, came in and said a car got towed and they were all gonna gte towed inside that shops parking lot, so we start runnin for our cars, and sure enough, mine, Royce's and Alley's cars all got towed. The FUCKS. We kept calling and calling, no one would answer. It's almost midnight, and everyone we talk to is being a dick. Finally his cop comes around and he helps us out a lot. Officer Jeff. He was pretty chill. Well we find out that if we just wait till the next morning, we can get our vehicles for $75 less than if we went that night. So Omar let us use his truck and Royce drove all us to the impound the next day where we pay $185 each to get that shit out. FUCKING HELL. There goes my money for STreet Scene, San Diego, and Ameoba records. Goddammit. Whatever though, new experience, right? I still had fun and it's all gravy.

So that was Dawn's birthday. Random thought number one. Billy. I've been thinking a lot about him lately and have been getting quite emotional. I thought it was over, but I think it's gonna get to me every now and then. When my uterus wanted to eat me alive, I thought about him becuase he used to take care of me so well. I got sad that he wasn't there. And I dunno, I've just been thinking about the whole situation lately. About how the FUCK Stephanie got in to the picture and how the FUCK everything happened. When Billy started rambling about how much he cared about her and I was so fucking confused becuase it seemed like he didn't even fucking know her. WHat the fuck? What the fuck happened? And then I went to his house and when we were outside feeding the dog, and he disappeared, I started looking at the stars and the houses... and I started to cry. I just felt so stupid being in California. I felt like I needed to escape so bad. Those stars haunted me. I know those stars. I know them way too well. I need to get the fuck away from them. And that can have two different meanings. STars physically, the ones I was looking at, but also destiny and stars, and the desert and California is NOT a destiny I want. I need to escape. I need to get away. Fuck this place. FUck everything and everyone. Especially fuck Billy and fuck Stephanie and fuck everyone involved with them. Fucking hell. I dunno. Then the drive down to Dawn's, I was listening to Bowie and it just made me think of the situation all over again becuase Bowie makes me think of Stephanie how Cranberries make me think of Sara and I fucking hate it. Music ruined. But I'm addicted to it too, a slight masochistic quality I have. And then after Bowie, I put in Wish You Were Here, yes, the Pink Floyd album. It sounded so good, but again, reminded of Billy. That's our favorite Pink Floyd album... and song. And I started to cry. Afterwards, I put in the Faint, somehow thinking it would cheer me up and make things better, but everytime I tried to dance and be giddy, I felt heavy and depressed. I got to Dawn's and started sketching. It felt nice to work on drawings. I've been drawing a lot lately and I'm very happy about that. EVen if it's only working on old ones.

So lately I've just been thinking about relationships and how bad I want someone to share my time with. ANd so angry becuase it's when you want it that you never get it and I'm reminded that I have to be happy with myself before I can please anyone else, and I'm annoyed still. A "I Hate Being Right" kind of annoyance. Oh well, right? When I'm ready, the opportunity will present itself, and I can only trust in that.

Oh and I'm now obsessed with Phantom of the Opera. I love and hate it. It's such a great piece of work and they made the movie quite well. But Christine sucks. Lol. I like the song where the Phantom gets angry at her and calls her a "Pompadora" and a "lying Delyla." Hmm, Delyla, kind of a cute name. Maybe for a pet.

Mleh.

yesterday - tomorrow