For My Birthday, today
08.30.2005 - 12:46 pm

This is an old entry that I'm not sure if I posted in here, but on myspace instead. Anyway. I'm feeling very "here and now" (ironic I decide to post a past entry) -- but I thought this was appropriate. The book Dharma Punx is having a serious impact on the rest of my life.

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Today, I Am Buddha - 29 Sept 2004

Wow, I had such a good day today. It was just like every other day. But every other day is so awesome. Every "just another day" is awesome. Why? Because that's what you make it. I was just at peace with things today... like everyday... at peace with everything going on. All the time though, I just find joy in the little things -- the things almost everyone overlooks... passes up... without noticing. It's hard to see how horrible things are or how beautiful things are when you don't even know they are there. People can be so oblivious. Not I... not today. It's the little things that make life. There were no clouds. It was beautiful. A bug crawled on me today. That was awesome. I got to get a muffin in between classes. It was yummy. I like looking outside the window while i'm in the shuttle going between campuses. The greenery is so fantastic. Every time I'm in the shuttle i notice the majority of the people are in the "been there done that, seen it" mode. Every now and then I'll see the one person who anticipates coming out of the tunnel and seeing the most spectacular sight in the WORLD. But most people...yeah whatever, they've seen it. Yeah well not only have i seen it, but i've been all over the world and have seen so much more. The difference? I still get excited as fuck coming out of that tunnel. It will never get old. Things will never get old...unless you want them to. You can chose to be blah about little stuff, or you can watch in amazement, seeing God's face in every person, object, sight, thought, everything conceivable (and inconceivable for that matter). And just be amazed... that's how i felt all day today. But it was a very subtle amazement, which made it so much more fun. I just felt it inside of me...but i could hold back... and watch it, notice it grow and change with every moment. I enjoyed every moment to its fullest today because I was aware... aware of what? Of everything. Everything surrounding me...of things that weren't surrounding me. I just felt so alive, so free. That is Buddhism my friend, just being aware. And man does it show. I've seen so many beautiful and horrific things that the vast majority of the human race completely overlook and I enjoy every minute of it, even the horrific things...because I am aware. And man, I can totally see people not living life...just going through mere routines and not knowing what the hell is going on. I mean, that's kind of an extreme way of putting things, but the majority of people do it... they are dead. I felt so AHHH today... i knew what was going on, I was aware of my actions...I was THERE. and now i am HERE. Here and now. That's all it's about. Don't look forward or behind, just be here and now. I noticed that everything was flowing today too...a kind of fluidity that you don't get by worrying about the past or the future. Everything was trucking along becasue I was with every moment as it happened. It was (IS) an awesome experience.

Today was also kind of chill because i popped in a mix of music of all these songs and bands I used to listen to a long time ago. Man, I just wanted to put on a studded leather jacket and hold out my middle finger to the world. It was great, I laughed at myself when I felt my jumpiness inside for wanting to yell at something. But it wasn't an angry feeling at all... I just wanted rant and rave and laugh about the world. No one to laugh with though, pity. I laughed a lot nonetheless. You get lots of strange looks in public when you laugh out loud while you're by yourself. The best times were when I tried holding back a laugh, and I just squeaked and squealed.... maybe a few snorts too.

I was sitting at the bus stop today and I saw the coolest mother fuckin old school Mercedes Benz pull up. It was the coolest car I've ever seen. This older tweaker lookin lady was in it, waiting. Finally, I see this bum come over and get inside. It was halarious. Some bums can make so much money and it's funny to catch the fakers. I was listening to "California Uber Alles" at the time... I laughed more.

When I used to listen to a lot of old school punk, i remember having this feeling like...I was there. I felt what they were feeling, I knew why they wrote the song, it fit me, it fit the moment.... like walking around to my theme song...only not just my theme song...walking around to life's theme song. I don't know. So today, listening to my cd, I felt that way again. I felt...they captured the moment... like... I wish everyone could be listening to the song i was...and then everyone could walk around singing and turn life into a big musical. Lives need to be like musicals... wheni feel angry, i want to hear scary piano and violin noises dammit. and i want everyone to hear them! yeah. So I was thinking... they don't make music like they used to. I mean, classic rock. I fucking love classic rock, there was so much UMPH in it...and so much feeling and RAA behind it. When I listen to contemporary SHIT, this so called "pop punk" and pop itself or...whatever...rap and what not....it feels empty to me. I don't know. SO I was contimplating whether that's just ME and my tastes in music...and me holding older music so high on the totem pole....or if music just SUCKS these days. I don't know...I haven't come to a conclusion on that yet. I'm sure it's both...it always is.

Man..music. The more I look back...the more I appreciate the people, the crowd, I found... I am who I am because of that crowd... and music had the biggest impact of all...it's what brought everyone together, what made the crowd. It's so crazy. It's crazy the different crowds I got involved with...but it's my core crowd I am referring to. Most people won't know what I'm talking about here...and i doubt hardly anyone (maybe one or two) who will know WHICH crowd i'm talking about. Yeah...crazy. I still get so overjoyed with some of these punk songs...I can still relate to them...I'm still apart of it all "Punk's not dead 'till it dies in you" Yeah, well it;s still in rarin form here bitch! And i hope it never dies in me. I guess if life is what you make it...then it could never die as long as I chose. mmm. here and now. I am here I am now. I love punk rock. I am proud of the person I have become. That kinda came out of nowhere...but I feel has something to do with my music.

I notice I'm really reachin to my roots and [re]becomming the person I enjoyed being before this past year of RELATIONSHIPS. Lol. I changed a lot because I, out of nowhere, became unsure of myself and listened too much as to what others were saying and changed myself a lot. When I got out of my last relationship, I examined what my life had become... random pieces lying all around. Little piece of past here...piece of new philosophy there... yadda yadda etc. I was so ashamed of myself. I had become lost. Who was i? Who am i? I didn't know what was going on, and i had lost the one person who knew who i was and who i had become and felt abandoned without any sign of help coming from them. "Oh you need to find yourself, I am distracitng you." Uh no, you were the person that could help me retrace my life and help me find myself. Regardless of that, I had to fish around a while and now I see I'm slowly going back to my "nature." Me and Billy had this philosophy that a person can't change the "nature" they were "given." Don't you notce how when people try to change dramatically, it fucks them up and they fail horribly? Yeah, that's their nature going "hey man, this isn't you bitch, what the fuck you think you're doing?!" Well, that's what happened with me. I changed so much that at the end i was like "Where the fuck am i? Hey nature, where'd you go man?" I found him. Thanks guys. Hehe. I am a recoveree... i see a lot of people who fail horribly, not only fail to change their nature...but fail to return as well because they got so fucked up. That shit sucks. I am forever greatful and appreciative of my life... yes!

So will I fall into the same trap with the next "man" in my life? I'd like to think the answer is no. I feel I leanred valuable lessons to help with the future. That's all life is, really, a bunch of lessons...and the more you grow and experience, the more you learn how to deal with random things that POP up in life. That's only theory though....like everything. But that's getting philisophical and you don't wanna do that because that turns into too philisophical and then you break things down so much you don't know where the fuck to begin again. Yeah, that sucks.

Yay for being spiritually aware... and by spirit, I mean self....but not self... haha, figure that out bitches.

Today's THEME SONG: "No Future, No Hope" -- Defiance (it's what inspired this blog, and makes me think of the past the most and all the feelings contributing)

yesterday - tomorrow