A Short Autobiography
11.20.2005 - 7:34 pm

Face to Face makes me feel the most nastalgic out of any band i think. And i notice it's mostly with the sad songs like "In Harm's Way." It should be with "Disconnected" since it has the most memories associated with it. But the sad songs totally fuck with me. I remember spending the night at Dawn's all the time and falling asleep to this shit. I remember being depressed but not wanting to say anything to Dawn about it. I remember all the crazy shit me and Dawn were doing during that time period. All the drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, parties, sneaking out, going to the Fly, going to any show, Warped Tours, Dustin, all of Josh's friends, Unfair, Y4FA, Weaksauce, Sorry!, Ryan Barron's house, bonfires in Dawn's backyard, Hopland. We were 13 years old. You might say we were a little beyond our years. We were crazy. And then the next 3 years brought all the sex, old school punk (Blitz, the Business, Chaos U.K., etc), the Rocks, running from cops, methamphetamines, depression, confusion, rebellion. Hard to believe in a four-year period I did all the shit I did. Seems there couldn't have been enough hours in a day to accomplish such nonsense. When I turned 17 things quieted down quite a bit. Billy calmed me down. Quit cigarettes, alcohol, and meth seemingly cold turkey. Just felt no urge to do any of that. Hardly went to any shows. Stopped having parties at my house. Went MIA from nearly all my friends. Found myself. Lost myself. I might not have been physically harming my body with drugs, but I have never felt so fucked in my life. I was in the worst and best place in my life. In love. But the completely wrong relationship in every which way. Cried more during that year than the whole rest of my life combined. Even when depressed and crazy with meth, i didn't cry much, just suffered on the inside. Then I turned 18. A month after my birthday I discovered spirituality, Buddha, and the Power of Intention. Slowly but surely I grew happier. I still got sad from time to time but it's been about 6 months since I've felt remotely sad about anything in my life. Hard to believe I've done all that I have and still be where I'm at. Graduated high school with a 4.5 GPA. Have a 3.5 in college. Live in Hawaii. By myself. And no one can stop me from doing what I want.

And then I listen to Face to Face, Pennywise, NOFX, Mellincolin, Strung Out and I feel like I'm 13 again. Sneaking out of Dawn's house to drive around town with Dustin. Going to Fun Zone with Robbie. Talking on walkie talkies with Kris Comeaux and Donny. Having deep talks with Mikey Teal. Driving to L.A. for a show with Erik Kerr. Riding on the handle bars of Victor Gonzalez's bike, feeling self-concious as I look over at Dawn on Mike Montoya's. Stealing cigarettes from Josh. Thomas, Jennifer Uptmore, Summer, Jeff Bernal, Nick Gallegos, "Jail-Bates" Jamie. All the people I've referred to I classify as my "core" group of friends. My first real friends. The first "peers" that influenced me as I just began to rebel against and distance myself from my parents. "Punk Rock Josh" days. I would not be who I am today had I not experienced all that I had during that very vital point in my life. I love every single one of those people to death, though almost half of them I have not seen for almost 7 years.

I always wonder if half those people I share memories with even remember a second of it. I was so different back then, I'm sure I didn't even make an impact as "Josh's sister's friend." So quiet, meek, unobtrusive, self-concious. I can't even imagine that life anymore. Haha! How brutally honest I am! How confident I am! How goofy I can be, how I don't embarrass easily, how loud and obnoxious I am! I doubt any of my friends can imagine me any other way. Lauren shy? What a fucking joke. You're real funny, Lauren... shy, haha whatever. Just shows you anything is fucking possible when you want something. I'm very happy to see my younger cousin Michelle go through the same process. And at a younger age than I! I think she's going to turn out all right. =) I'm excited to be apart of her life and be someone she can look up to and seek for guidance when need be. I'm excited to show her the world her parents never could. Gawd how I hate their parenting style.

I'm not even 20 yet and I feel I'm about to die of old age. That's what I get for packing 3 years worth of experience into one year, EVERY year for the past FIVE years. A sigh.

yesterday - tomorrow