Bringin back the old school
12.27.2005 - 10:11 am

So yesterday i got a text from Thomas saying "Go to Theresa's."

After my huge guilt trip session and that's where things are happening. Yesssss. I really wanted to see people, though. I really wanted to hang out with steve and thomas. And I could guess who else would be there. I lvoe how after all these years, the same people hang out. This makes me happy. All the changes I went through with groups of friends... and these people all still see eachother. I mean, it made me so happy because so many of them I would have never seen again in my life if they hadn't all still come together. Yeah, there are tons missing: Jeff Bernal, Nick Gallegos, etc etc the list goes on. But it's nice the people I did see. Kris Comeaux is still too rockstar to say hi to me, but it's ok.

And I finally got to meet Jennifer. I like her a lot. She just seems great, I wanted to hug her the whole time.

I still felt kinda nauseated by my secret of destruction, but the nameless involved seemed to be taking the situation well, with me there and all. It put me at ease, to say the least.

I had a really good time last night. Stevo makes me uber happy. Thomas makes me uber happy. It's always fun to see what Lyle is up to randomly. I love Summer, I love Jennifer. I enjoyed just sitting back and watching peopel and laughing and having a good time. Talking. Le sigh. I can't wait until Robbie is on leave and something like that happens again and we go together. It's cute all the questions I get about him. Or about "us." Ah who knows WHAT'S going to happen....

Last night just felt so right. When I first started hanging around, I was so nervous. I was such a different person: shy, reserved, easily embarrassed. But I got lucky that they were such good people.

Then alllllll my experiences with my various groups of friends got me out of my shell and now these most recent experiences in Hawaii got me to feel confident about myself and I'm happy who I am. So going back to this first set of "friends" and I can now be myself, be outgoing, be the person I wanted to back when I was 13. Hold nothing back. And I feel very comfortable. These people are still such good people. I like that I'm not risking my life every damn night. Getting drunk and crazy and stupid. Beer runs, cop chases, squatting. Blah blah blah. Yes I needed those experiences, but it was so childish. The drugs, the sex, the fights.

I remember saying once, I don't know if it was here, but I hated being REALLY SUPER happy becuase it almost hurt as much as depression. It's like, being that happy, you have to come down at some point and then everything sucks. My favorite is when I'm a very mellow content. I can ride that wave forever and ever. And it might be easy to lose but it's also very easy to get back. So yes, for 2 moments I get bored but then I think about something and ta-da! I feel content again. Hello, world, I am back. And these people, last night, give me that mellow contentedness I enjoy so much. It's comfortable and not so overwhelming as some of the friend-get-togethers have been like in the past.

I am just so happy. I have the coolest mother fucking friends in the whole entire world and I am forever greatful for their presence. I strive to never take anything for granted and thus I feel at peace knowing what I have and that I have it and knowing that things could be so different and I could be in such a different state of mind and all the other horrid paths I could have walked down. But then again, there's no point in even discussing that because the fact remains I DIDN'T walk down those paths and I AM in a GREAT place in my life. Right at this moment, this phase, I have never ever felt so good about my life. In my 19 years of living, I have never been so happy about life, been so hopeful of the future, been so appreciative of my past, been so happy with MYSELF (especially). I am just so so so greatful for all that is. And so greatful that, yeah there are great things going on, but I AM ABLE TO ENJOY THEM. I see people sometimes who have wonderful things going on in their lives but their state of mind or whatever doesn't allow them to even enjoy those things. I CAN ENJOY IT. And I choose to enjoy it .I choose to BE HERE NOW. With the moment.

Yes. I am happy.

yesterday - tomorrow