Music. Dreary mood. Not bad.
06.29.2006 - 8:17 am

I just discovered Dallas Green. Not my usual taste in music, but I got into a weird mood upon hearing The Cure's "Lullaby" and so when I went on my friend Lyle's myspace and this Dallas Green song started playing, I let it. I listened. It's beautiful. The Cure's song "Lullaby" is beautiful too. I don't know why I was put into this mood, but it's melancholy and mellow and I'm enjoying it.

Yesterday Robbie had one of those "life contemplation" days and we talked about it. We talked about us. I had a realization of where I was at in my life and for a brief moment, I got scared. Before I move on to that, Robbie had some slight "drama" concerning past affairs. I don't feel so bad anymore for some of the "wandering eyes" I had been having before me and Robbie got together. I didn't know, but Robbie was doing some wandering of his own, deciding between me and some broad in Virginia. And it was happening whilst me and Robbie were getting slightly more serious with eachother. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I kinda wish he had told me what was going on at the time, but at the same time, I know there was never really an appropriate time to talk about it considering we were beating around the bush about ourselves. And slowly I'm realizing how fragile Robbie really is. He's really starting to get sick of people knowing him as 'the nice guy' because it never gets him anywhere. He's been hurt so much because of these stupid girls putting him on hold because they think they can because 'oh he's such a good guy, he'll always be there' -- and they want to fuck around on the sidelines and just have him waiting there when they get back. Well bitches, life doesn't work that way. Yanno, it's kind of funny because I sooo did that to Robbie back in the day. Huh, funny how things work out. But it makes sense. Every chick wants the 'bad boy' first. Ya gotta live life, yanno? Ya gotta get crazy wich yo'self, seriously though, because you'll regret it if you don't. Well I did my craziness and I've been ready for a nice guy for a while. Robbie's just been in a shitty situation because most broads aren't ready at this juncture where he's at. So he would have had to wait a while... would have.

And one night he asked me "Do you think I'm a nice guy?" and when I told him yes, he said "well I'm gonna have to change that because everybody thinks that and it sucks." And I'm just like (I was just thinking this in my head) 'uhhh... does the fact that I totally fall for nice guys count for anything?' It's like, I don't want him to fucking change. What is he so mad about being nice? That he doesn't get the girl? Well, he's got me. He can be himself. He doesn't have to change. I'm not going fucking anywhere. In the past, women have hurt him because they thought they could take advantage of his 'niceness' and fuck around and have him waiting for when they got back, but I couldn't do that. I don't have that mentality. I'm going to risk saying that I am different than most. Maybe I'm just a little ahead of the game is all, but I'm different. I don't carry the same [type] of immaturity that most do at my age-range. I've had some experiences that has changed my thought process. I'm not a typical girl. I'm knot your average girl.

And I just want to make Robbie realize that I'm not going anywhere. That he means so much to me. That I'm going to take care of him. That I understand. That I know.

Yanno, so in that sense, in that area, I feel confident. I'm not worried about much. But there are some areas that remain that concern me at times. Robbie makes me feel young and naive. Modest. This is new. I was always the person to bullshit my way through things and pretend I know everything, but never before have I realized how truly inexperienced and immature I am. I'm just afraid one day I'm going to be thrown into a situation that I won't be able to handle and I'm going to disappoint him. I don't want to let him down and think of me as unreliable, but I worry I won't be able to bullshit my way through something (I'm not implying that I know what this 'something' is exactly, just that it's a variable).

So that's where my realization came in. I suddenly realized how serious of a situation I was in with Robbie. This is no longer child's play. It just... kinda has the guise as one at times. But it scared me to suddenly realize that I can't fuck this up. There is little room for error here... or serious error. I really DO need to be cautious. I'm dealing with something delicate. And very serious. Not that I was dickin around in the first place, but I have been a little flighty because I thought I could be.

But I feel myself growing all the time. I feel myself being more selfless and changing for the better. I'm forcing myself to do these things because I don't want to let him down. It feels good when I succeed. I'm really proud of myself for some of the things I've accomplished. So I'm getting more confident all the time. Feeling fractionally less naive... He's so out of my league and doesn't even realize it.

It's good that we're both so modest. I've never in my life felt soo appreciated by someone. And that's because he totally dumbs himself down, thinking he's less than what he really is. And yeah, I've been enjoying the coddling, the care, the appreciation, but sooo badly I want to get it in Robbie's head how FUCKING awesome he is. I have THE greatest boyfriend in existence, hands down. And it makes me laugh how dumb he thinks he is. So that's been my mission statement, to put a little more confidence in him. But it's nice feeling so wanted. SO wanted.

And yeah, Pifer was pretty into me, but because I didn't feel the same way, I never appreciated how much he liked me. So in a lot of ways, this feeling of appreciation for me feels very new. That was THE main issue with Billy, I felt so fucking worthless, so low, so UNappreciated. And it brought me down. It made me think I was really that worthless. I was at fault. I wasn't worthy of anyone. Why would anyone want to be with me? I have nothing to offer.

And then some self-discovery and realization came along. Some confidence. I realized that it was in fact okay to be me. I found myself again. I made a stance that I would never change according to someone else's standards again. Fuck that. And I don't know when or where it happened, but someone saw something they liked. Things worked out so well. Had Robbie found me, gawd even a month earlier, he probably would have ran the other direction with how emotionally fucked up I was. But no. I had renewed confidence in myself and such appreciation for life and all that it entails. Definitely a seize the day attitude. And things worked out. Funny how that happens. I still reflect upon myself from time to time (it's good to do that) and I'm happy to say I'm still in that state of mind of not 'needing' anything. I'm okay with myself. 100%. I LIKE myself. And I'd be okay without Robbie, sure, because I'm okay being myself, but he's such a needed part of my life at the same time. Life would definitely not be as fun without him. I will never take him for granted. I will never take advantage of him. I appreciate him in my life whole-heartedly and I hope I never let him forget that.

I still always wonder what exactly he thinks of me. What exactly does he like about me. I never want to admit those questions because of how typical they seem, so shoot me, whatever, but yeah I wonder... I wonder.

There's so much I want to express to him, and I can never find the words. Or when I do, they come out so wrong that I feel really stupid. Lol. I just don't want him to wonder what I see in him. I love his personality. I love that he's so optimistic. I hate when people bring me down with pessimism. You never want to be around those people. I love that he doesn't take life too seriously. I love that when I'm feeling like shit, he makes fun of me to make me realize how petty I'm being. I've only known Jake to cheer me up that way, and I'm happy that Robbie can do that without me getting butt-hurt. But there are times that it gets under my skin. And that's where I'm changing and growing and trying to learn not to let it get to me. I love his sense of humor. I love our inside jokes. I love wrestling with him. I love his insight. I love his wisdom. I love his logic. I love that we feel the same way about most things in life (philosophically speaking). I love that I can talk to him on sooo many different levels. I love his intelligence. I love his creativity. I love that his love for music is the same as my love. I never thought I'd find someone who'd understand music the way I do. I love how real he is. I love how blunt he is, though it can be unnerving at times. I love how comfortable he makes me feel with myself. I love how he touches me, I've never felt such care before. I love his smile. My heart skips a beat every time I see him smile. I love his hands, as silly as that sounds, I have a thing for hands... I love how he challenges me, THAT he challenges me. I love his affection. I love his style. I love his thought process, haha. Some of the shit he thinks about is so random at times, I love it. I love the person he's allowing me to become. I love the person he is becoming... has become?

Should I go on? There is so much more to say; there is so much more I could pick apart before becoming ridiculous. I'll shut up. Why do I have such a hard time bringing up shit like that? I never like to get serious with him because I don't ever want to rid his goofiness. And I was worried that maybe I'd be too serious and I'd have trouble with him not being serious enough. But we're doing just fine with the balance of seriousness and goofiness. And when I need a serious fix, I tend to come here and write about it. About my concerns, feelings. Etc. And it suites me. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more private with some feelings. But I'm an open book when it comes to myself, and I appreciate feedback from my friends who read this, because it's mostly the people who's opinions I respect and people I'm very close to who understand me already anyway. I love my friends. I feel good. This Dallas Green is really hitting the fuckin spot. I think I'll be rockin these three songs all day...

yesterday - tomorrow