Is happiness safety?
07.20.2006 - 9:58 am

I think about happiness a lot. I think about my own happiness. I think about Robbie's happiness a lot. More than my own (duh). I worry about him sometimes. He has the chance to get out of the military next year and he still doesn't know what to do with himself. How he wants to spend his life. What kind of career he wants. A year will go by so quickly. He knows that. He expresses that. He's expressed that the past 4 years in the military has gone by very quickly. I worry that he thinks he's not good enough in a lot of areas in order to succeed. I think failing that class really put a damper on his ego. I think he opts out the idea of college because he thinks he's not smart enough. I think he wants to reinlist because it's safe. He knows he's good at what he does. And that's great. But... is he really happy? I think knowing he's good at something makes him happy, and he's also expressed he wants to go far in the military... but... is it just for security? Knowing he's not going to fail -- whereas in the real world he might?

I wonder if he has to try very hard to be successful at what he does in the Navy? It doesn't seem like it. I think that's where it lies. I think he likes things to be easy. But not in a lazy way... I think he just thinks that if it's easy, that means he's good at it and I think he thinks that all things are that way. Like, when talking about school, and he thinks I'm this genious and that school is easy for me. I try to explain to him all the time that I work my ass off to be this "intelligent" and it's not very easy for me. I struggle all the time. But because I have this confidence about myself and also because I know things don't just come to you, I'm motivated to work my ass off. I don't think Robbie has that confidence... and i think he thinks things come to those who deserve it. I think that's only half true.

I don't know. I'm just thinking about my mission statement. Putting some confidence into that boy. And I think a lot of our relationship will consist of that. I'm going to encourage him and he's going to motivate me. I have low motivation. I try not to admit it because I'm in denial, but I think I got it genetically from my dad to be lazy. Hence, me struggling in school a lot. Some of this may seem semi-hypocritical, but it makes sense in a parallel universe.

I just really care about Robbie, and I want him to be aware of all his options, and that the military isn't the only way. He's just so unsure of what he wants to do. I think I'm going to talk to him about it. But I don't want to frustrate him, so I'll wait when the time is right.

yesterday - tomorrow