Someone Else's Words
08.02.2006 - 1:21 pm

This is an entry from a livejournal friend UnAmanda. The situation she's in sounds almost like the situation I'm in. Just switch 20 years old to 12 years old. Lol. The things that aren't exactly "my" situation are just plain cute and I like how she words things. So yeah. Read it. It's awesome:

So, lately I've been lucky. I'm childishly in love with a boy I've known since I was 20. We're crazy over each other and things are only getting better with time. Every second I spend with him imprints itself on my memory and I spend all of my days walking around backwards, with my skin inside his clothing. I've never known anything to be this easy, before. I've never felt this lucky.

He lives in the city and I don't get to see him every day. I remember that in my past relationship with Daniel, he was in the city and I was here. I would feel this frantic need to be near him, but that was only because I was scared of what he was doing behind my back. I have never felt worried about the way Kurt spends his time. He has all these lofty ideas about what makes up a man, and he's good and fair and trustworthy. I feel a frantic need to be near him, but it's because I don't feel normal when he's away. I feel amputated and grotesque and out of place without him. I feel like my heart is broken and nothing could ever be right in the world ever again, if I have to sleep away from him.

And then I've got a flash frame of his skin and hands in the moonlight and my breath is gone from my body. My bones are stone cold and shivering. My heart beats once, exactly, right out of my chest and I'm walking on the earth again, only my body is suddenly aching and twisting itself towards the horizon.

I was a lovesick kid, and then I stopped believing in God. And then I stopped believing in love and I glided over the grass with dead coals for eyes. I bled black blood and ate the monster air with my gutted heart spewing a set of mangled intentions.

And then the baby came.
And then the trip to New Hampshire.
And then my sister started holding my hands.
And now I'm a lovesick kid.

This summer has been dangerous, though.
My little sister has been breaking her heart over an anvil and there isn't anything to do for a broken heart but to wait wait wait. And to sit up nights with our heads covered praying to a bastard God with blisters on his palms. Praying to outrun the dawn. And I have no idea how to pray anymore.

I wish there was a way to fast forward time and show her that things will be ok, eventually. That this will turn to dust and the world will open up again and swallow her into its belly.

And the guy Kurt she's dating wrote her this when she showed him childhood pictures of herself:

I wish that I had known you from the second that you entered the world. We should have played make believe games in our adjoined backyards and together cursed the sun going down on summer nights. You should have been young and in your room at midnight and I'm suddenly tapping on your window and you let me in and say, What are you doing? And I say, I don't feel right alone. And I'd lay down very straight and still next to you, and get nervous when you put a little hand over my heart. We should have turned into high school kids together, stealing cigarettes and making each other mix tapes. And, late at night, I'd still suddenly appear at your window and we'd stay up all night talking about where we wanted to run away to, together, after graduation and then I'd curl myself into a tight ball around you. And we should have packed up the shitty car my parents bought me when I turned 17 and driven across the country. And attended the same school in the middle of nowhere, sharing an apartment and getting into adventures.

And then everything would be perfect. And I never would have had to spend a moment away from you, my entire life.

Yes, you can go "awwwww" now. ^_^

yesterday - tomorrow