A Destined Pattern
08.28.2006 - 7:55 pm

So I was wondering if music taste was a destined pattern. Here I am, enjoying the Postal Service and Pretty Girls Make Graves. Something I never imagined 2 years ago. Shit, even last summer I was bashing Dawn for her music interests.

But man, here I am goin down the same path as she. She slowly fell out of punk and picked up on indie. And here I am 3 years later... doing the same thing. Lately I've been listening to a lot of punk: Anti Pasti, Mau Maus, 999; because I've been feeling angsty for leaving it behind lately. In the past few months it seems all I listen to is Prodigy, Modest Mouse, The Faint, and recently, Mylo, Chemical Brothers, Scissor Sissters. I mean, 4 skins comes on when I get to the end of my winamp and it starts from the top. And I don;t change it. Because 4 Skins still sounds really good. But when I open my Winamp in the first place and think to myself "What do I want to listen to?" it always ends up being some cheeseball synth pop or indie band.

But sometimes i get to discover new bands that rock, i.e. the Bronx, Teenage Jesus and the Jerks. And today I found out that I thoroughly enjoy Most Precious Blood. And also recently, Every Time I Die. Oh yeah and I downloaded some shit for Robbie, and Guns Up! turned out to be fucking awesome. So I'm glad Robbie has some taste. lol. Hardcore post 1986 just kind of makes me laugh. Who do they think they are calling that hardcore in the first place? When all it is is Screamo with Metal solos.

Who listens to punk anymore anyway? We've all kind of drifted into different genres. Is this the process of growing up? Sometimes punk seems ridiculous. And sometimes I wish I had that kind of zeal again. Fugazi is kind of my desperate hold to keep punk close to my heart. Will that also fade into some pile of meaninglessness? It seems like I don't even care about good lyrics anymore. What is a band without lyrics? What's the point of me rockin out to something with no point? Before, the only music that made any sort of sense to me was something with the hope of making the world a better place... or at least pointing out all that was wrong with it, which to me back then was the same thing. Nowadays... I don't even know. What am I looking for? What do I care about? Am I just bored right now, or is my life really turning bland?

Sometimes I worry that my future will consist only of school and work, and then eventually just work. I never know what to do with myself when I have some "free time" because all I can think of are things involving money... and I have none. I'm really sick of this living paycheck to paycheck bullshit. Why can't I just save some money? Why does it feel like all I do is catch up... instead of moving forward? Can I blame that on school? Is that accurate/appropriate?

Why don't I feel like juat going for a walk. Or reading a book. Why am I so friggin lazy? I want to find a meditation hall and a yoga class goddammit. I want to stop spending money on stupid shit I don't need. I hope I get approved for some financial aid. Le sigh.

Why do school books cost more than your enrollment does every semester? What genious thought that might be a good idea? To have a math book cost $150? Does that even make sense? How do people like me go to school with no support from family? I make like $500 a month and I have other shit to pay for... and then here comes a semester and I have to fork over $400 on books for four classes? Why? How?

I've been feeling like a typical girl lately. And I got mad at Robbie one day for telling someone that I wanted to shave my legs. Excuse me for not wanting to admit that I am of the female race. Excuse me for wishing people didn't know that I can be a typical girl sometimes. Yeah I got mad, and I feel justified by it. But I didn't explain why I was mad to Robbie because it took me all day to figure out how to explain it... and by then I was happy again, so I didn't want to bring up a fight again. It was hard enough just telling Robbie that the reason I didn't want to go to the beach was because I wanted to shave my legs. I almost opted to not tell him and simply express that I was not going to go. But alas, it came out and I felt so stupid I cried a little bit. I could have also had a weird PMS thing going on that day too. I don't usually PMS, but I think this baby candy is fucking with my hormones. I felt really dumb all day that day because of the little shit I was getting upset about. Like shaving my legs. Ok whatever.

I don't think Robbie knows how much I hate being a female and I think he's used to more typical girls. I don't think he would understand my concern for appearing tougher than I am even if I explained it. So I don't try. I simply try to be tough. And then these weird "typical girl episodes" come up and I end up just hating life those days. And hating how stupid Robbie makes me feel. Sometimes I want to punch him in the face and spit on him. Then I realize how stupid I'm being and want to punch myself in the face and get spit on.

I just hate typical girls. And I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend you hear about when standing with a bunch of guys talking about their girlfriends at home and how stupid they are. Or like the ones comedians make fun of. And it's so typical of women to act that way. And I see myself having those urges. Like lately I've just really felt like hearing Robbie tell me how he feels about me. Words of affirmation? Why do I need to hear it? I never ask for affirmation though. Because it's typical and I refuse to be typical. I refuse to shop, have a million pairs of shoes, and whine about stupid crap and wish to be babied all day. I refuse to have fits, PMS, and cry about anything. I refuse to care about how fat I look in this dress, how pretty I am to my partner, or what I would look like with a smaller ass. I refuse to tell Robbie that I've been feeling "ugly" lately. I refuse to do these things or admit that I want to do some of them. Because let's face it, if nobody knows that I am in fact typical, then it's the same thing as not being typical at all. However, I slip once in a while and it fucks everything up. I want to explain some of this to Robbie. But I don't know if he'd understand or just make me feel like an idiot.

And then sometimes I wish I could do girly things without feeling so goddamned self-concious about being stereotyped or have people look at me disappointingly, thinking "oh. I thought you were different."

Yeah I did too. But maybe I'm not. And maybe it bothers me. And maybe you don't care. And maybe I do.

yesterday - tomorrow