Pause, Rewind, Play
09.09.2006 - 2:30 pm

Lately I've been burned out on life. Is there any way to take a break from life? Just chill out from life a while? Why is there no way to do that. Just hit the pause button, take a breath and press play? Say what's up to God perhaps. Maybe ask a casual question of "Why." I don't know. I just feel like I'm running too fast and at a standstill at the same time. And perhaps the oxymoron is present. There's too much going on with school and work. And not enough happening in my personal life. You'd think that the personal life would be the pause button. But it's not. I stress out wherever I go.

Robbie has a secret life that I don't know about and he won't let me in on, so I stress. And then I go to school and get faced with all kinds of work that I never have enough time or patience to do, either because I'm working a part-time/full-time job or because I'm at home staring at Robbie worried about his stress. I never sleep. I stay up all night thinking about myself, my situation, Robbie's situation... if my situation and Robbie's situation even belong together, world problems, music, school, life, my friends, family. WHat the fuck is going on? And then I hve anxiety attacks all day long, partly due to the pills I'm taking. Pills I'm taking so that I DON'T have to stress about certain aspects in my life. And yet here they are making me anxious as all hell.

Feeling young and naive. Feeling stupid constantly. Being completely in the dark about someone I care so deeply for. Can I please take a break? Just one breath, just one breath to release let go and say "ok, let's do it" and deal with life all over again? Just one breath.

The only thing that has comforted me today has been listening to Against Me and doing my math homework. Yes, I find Zen in calculus problems, so shoot me.

And then I started thinking about Kurt Vonnegut and his writing all the sudden soothed me too. And I realized why I enjoy reading so much. It's my pause button (when I do it right) -- because just for a millisecond, I get caught up in the book i'm reading and I can take a breath, and then life hits me in the face since I suck at relaxing. You'd think knowing how to relax would be a given, but my skin feels constantly on edge, my heart fells like it's constantly beating out of my chest. Fuck anxiety!!

I've been feeling horrible in part too because I haven't been loving myself very much lately. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't given a shit. My world has been collapsing ever so slowly and I've just been looking at it in the face and say "whatever". Because I don't care. Go ahead. Fall. Why do I give up on things so easily? I just refuse to fight. I allow myself to become self-defeated even before I begin. Am I really so jaded? Or just lazy? I'm trying to learn what the best way to deal with things is, and I think this is just a phase. I'm just trying to find a balance. Can I have a little help? No. I'm alone. Surrounded by people and still I feel alone. Only because one person won't let me inside.

Just fucking talk to me!!

yesterday - tomorrow