Stupid [jealous] whore.
06.13.2007 - 8:48 am

Is it wrong to be so jealous of your boyfriend you sometimes wish you never met him? Ok, so maybe that sentence made this entry too obvious as to what the subject matter is.

I HATE ROBBIE! I hate that everything always seems to go his way and I always feel completely shit on! I know I must cause this to be happening to myself but I don't know how or why. Do I have horrible luck? Or do I just keep making the wrong decisions?

I'm just constantly stressed out about life and money. I feel so alone all the time. But I cause this, I must be. It's nobody else's problem but mine. I somehow screw myself over and over again.

Robbie said that I shouldn't worry -- that he just has a feeling that we're going to be doing just fine. Not just fine, but really well. And I thought it was thoughtful and cute that I was apart of that feeling. But I can't help but think that just he was going to do well. No matter what.

Yanno, it's not just recently. It's like, our whole lives. When I first went to his parents' house, I just felt like... such a low piece of shit that didn't deserve to be there. I still feel that way. I feel like some dirty mongrol and I don't deserve to be with Robbie at all. I don't deserve to be apart of his life. His family is a higher class than mine and [they don't do this at all by the way] I just feel it's rubbed in my face. I just feel so low all the time. Rugged, while he sits on his throne.

He grew up with this awesome family. Great environment. What was my childhood like? I hated my parents. In middle school I was a loser and became depressed. High school spawned drugs and more depression and feelings of worthlessness. And life has always seemed like a fucking challenge. I think about death constantly, not because I want to die, but because if it happened [by 'accident'], I wouldn't mind so much.

Call me selfish or thoughtless. Whatever. There's just always this feeling in the back of my head that I can't exactly pin down but... I just feel like life is just a binch of bullshit. And maybe it's because I've struggled through it the entire time that I'm just fucking tired of it all.

And here we are, me and Robbie. I'm the one with a stupid minimum wage job that makes me feel like such a loser, but I keep on trudging because I know I'm going to prove myself to the world ONE DAY. I just need to get through school and then everybody can kiss my ass.

Yanno what I feel like? I feel like I'm constantly in that dream where you walk into class with just your underwear on.

I've had this feeling before, where I wish I could just disappear. Not tell family friends, nobody. Just BE GONE. Go live on some far away island. Jungle. Some other country, whatever. I just feel like I'm a huge embarrassment to myself. I always feel like I don't belong in this skin. Always. Always anxious. Always stressed. I don't know what to do about it.

And here's Robbie. Two job offers, lives in a fucking mansion. Starting a career making up to $150,000 a year.

Am I allowed to be jealous?

I'm just selfish and insecure I guess. Stressed. Always.

I try to be a good girlfriend. He calls me to tell him what great things happen to him and I smile and nod. I try not to get choked up. I can't breathe but I manage a "That's awesome. I'm so glad things are going your way" even though on the inside I want to twist his neck off and shoot myself.

Like I said, I'm just selfish and insecure.

Whatever

yesterday - tomorrow