Shitbag
07.01.2007 - 9:09 am

I feel like I'm 16 again. When I was just so sad and had no idea why. I think I don't give external circumstances any credit for changing my mood and therefore never know why I feel the way I do. Maybe Rob's asshole behavior is affecting me. Maybe the stressors in my life are making me feel this way.

I just know I feel very very alone right now and I feel very depressed and have been feeling this way since I moved from San Diego.

I weigh 116 lbs and that's about 10lbs underweight for me. My stomach feels hungry and yet the idea of food sounds nauseating because all I focus on is job-related issues and my personal issues with Robbie lately.

I feel so resentful of his happiness and that's so unbelievably immature for me. I've become so selfish and greedy lately and I'm really not enjoying that I've turned into this. Where is the Lauren who practiced Loving-Kindness where ever she could? Why have I become so bitter in the last few weeks? Do I feel abandoned?

I'm just very sad. I am grateful that I have a job finally and I hope I find another one soon and that a new employer doesn't get mad at me for juggling two jobs.

I'm stressing way too much about that. I need to kickback and realize that everything is going to be okay.

I need to go to one of Noah's meditation meetings and get back in touch with myself and with Buddhism. I'm going to look at schedules right now.

yesterday - tomorrow