Some things still make me cry.
08.13.2007 - 8:41 am

I'm optimistic and everything seems to be looking up right now, but there will always be one thing nagging at me that always gets under my skin and makes me depressed.

The fact that Robbie's 'family' Alex and Santiago think I'm this stupid, insipid, disrespectful twit.

I half blame Robbie for it too, though the fault should be mine. However, when I get mad, irritated, or just plain hate something, I put myself in the other's shoes and determine how I would go about it. Plenty of times have I put myself in Robbie's shoes, realized exactly where he was coming from, and stopped being annoyed with whatever he did. This case however, I would have helped him out had he been in my shoes.

I was really depressed. I mean, really fucking depressed. All I wanted to do was hide in a corner, shed my skin, cry to myself and to anyone else who would listen to my absurdities, and just die. You know how hard it was to even get out of bed most days? Let alone put on a smile...

And so the first couple times coming over I'd try to make small talk... it's what I do best. I like talking to people, especially adults. Especially adults like Alex and Santiago because they are really awesome funny people.

But when I got a cold shoulder from Santiago one day, I couldn't handle it, and I stopped trying to make small talk. All I wanted was to wrap myself around Robbie and escape reality for a time.

And so I thought I had come over and made an impression enough to be able to just go inside and hang out with Robbie. I mean, HE would answer the door and lead me straight upstairs. What else would I do except to follow, thinking that was what I was supposed to do? And if he did go downstairs, I would just stay up because... I was depressed. I didn't want to see people. I just wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin again.

And then one day, WHAM. Robbie asks me if I don't like Alex and Santiago. What? I think they're great.

Well they don't think you like them because you don't ever say hi to them or talk to them.

Well Robbie, I was/am in a really tough place. Not to mention every time I walked in Alex was busy cooking or doing something with papers. Santiago was sitting on the couch completely and utterly focused on his video game. Would YOU be all up in their face and in their business just to say hi? I don't know about anyone else, BUT I WOULD FEEL SLIGHTLY INTERRUPTIVE. I would feel like a disrespectful jackass if I DID interject with a hello. I'm just NOT an intrusive person.

PLUS. PLUS. AGAIN PLUS. I put myself in their shoes and I thought, when people come to MY house, I DO NOT sit around WAITING for them to say hi to me. No. I go up to them, and I go out of my way to say Hello and Welcome to my home. AS A HOST, DUH.

So where am I at fault? What did I do... or not do? I followed Robbie. They were always busy. I never felt noticed. Should I fucking jump in Santiago's lap so he knows I;m there and not ignoring him?

So on top of feeling like a total jackass (only later upon contemplating the past situations do I realize that I don't feel at fault for this) -- on top of all that, Robbie goes OUT of his way before we leave his house to tell me "On a serious note (already awkward and I feel like a puppy who just shit on the floor) I would really like it if you would say bye to Santiago."

Thanks. I don't know how well anyone knows me, but I'm naturally rebellious... not in a negative way. But it's my instinct to not want to do what other people want me to do. So now I feel like a total fucking embarrassment and because I'm awkward and feel completely fucking nervous that Robbie is watching and more importantly JUDGING every move I make, I BLURT out a good-bye at the totally wrong moment and then continue to feel even more stupid.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

How am I supposed to fix a problem that I don't feel responsible for in the first place?! HOW?! I feel like I'm being judged on sight, and that I have no way in to make the situation better. I feel like there's a 30 foot brick wall surrounding me. I mean, Santiago won't even look at me. Ignores me from head to toe completely and whenever I do try to say Hi or Bye, I get mumbles, grumbles and grunts.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!!

Yanno, has it occurred to ANYBODY that maybe IIIII shouldn't be the one getting the lecture but now it's time for someone to tell Santi-fucking-ago that he could open up more and start MAKING A FUCKING EFFORT TO TELL ME HI AND BYE?! no? no? no one thought of that? gee.

How am I supposed to make a situation better without being given the chance to?

I just feel so stupid all the time. And I feel like i can;t make any fucking mistakes around robbie because he'll judge me. He grew up being taught how to talk to people and what the right things to say are. and I'm so unorthodox and learned myself what to do in any conversational situation, like. what the hell?

And I know I claim to be this person who doesn't care what others think of me, but this gets so under my skin and it causes all kinds of anxiety for me, I just don't know what to do. Maybe if they knew me for me and still didn't like me they could fuck off, but they don't know anything about me.

If Robbie would have just helped me out like I'd have helped HIM out in the same situation "I'm sorry, Lauren isn't feeling very well. She's been really stressed out and just not feeling comfortable around anyone, even her own roomates. She's just not doin very well, but she's really swell normally."

Like that's all. Just some excuse. But Robbie has this high and mighty attitude. He feels he shouldn't have to deal with that bullshit or have to make excuses. And he's right, he doesn't HAVE to, but like I said, if the situation was switched, because I care about him, I would. I like to soften the blow. I like to make everyone feel good and happy. But no one else cares. Everyone just cares about themselves.

Yanno, all these Chakra readings tell me I'm great for having a space in my heart just for myself, but I fucking hate it. I was feeling really selfish this past year and I'm done. I'm so much happier when I DON'T think about myself, when I ONLY think about other people. And everyone everywhere says it's not good to be completely selfless because then you die. But I don't care, I'm fucking miserable when I care about myself, and I fucking hate seeing other people ONLY care about themselves. I just can't handle this space for myself. I just want to give everything away to others, it's the only time I feel comfortable in my own skin. And maybe I'm some kind of masochist, but whatever.

I just can't handle someone viewing me how I few young stupid people who don't know how to have a good conversation. I can't believe someone doesn't think I'm nice, or giving, or respectful. I'm uber all those things, and it drives me crazy that Robbie couldn't just help me out a little, and instead reprimands me left and right for being disrespectful. I don't know what the hell I did to Robbie to make him feel that way. ONE incident of MISCOMMUNICATION and now he thinks I'm just as disrespectful as Santiago thinks. He's been around me so many times when I'm good with people, but I feel like he's constantly fucking judging me now. Like he gives me weird looks and cues when other people are around like "Now don't fuck this up too."

Ok thanks. Thanks for making me feel like a jackass every minute of my life.

yesterday - tomorrow