Should I stay or Should I go -- PART II
08.25.2005 - 10:07 am
Ok. I can't believe I'm seriously contemplating this.
S e r i o u s.
Should I stay. Or should I go? The Clash put it so well, I can't escape the question. Let's see if I can put this as simply as possible.
My Problem: (skip to my solution)
Homeless. Sick and Tired. No friends. Feelings of intrusion.
I think that's about it. I think that's my main problem. Let's start with number one, homeless.
I cannot find a place to live. I don't know if anyone remembers my last ordeal with this. Last semester. I ended up sleeping on a couch for 2 months because NO FUCKING PLACE wanted me. And yeah I've only been back a week, but if you only knew the SHIT. Number one - I find AT MOST 4 places per day in the paper that apply to me. Today, ONE applied, and I had already called that number. Number two - 90% of the places I call, I get an answering machine. I've left a countless amount of messages, I've called back I don't know how many places, and STILL, no answer. And the thing about Hawaii, is you have to be on top of shit in that, if you don't receive some sort of confirmation within the day, then you're S.O.L. because the place is already gone. And this is when i wake up at fucking 6am and start calling places by 7am. Number three - The remaining 10% of places I actually get through to, already gone and they just haven't taken the ad out of the paper yet.
THEN, I look on my college's website and they have what's called "E-Ads." I have better luck with these places but it still basically follows the above agenda... with slightly better percentages.
Sick and Tired. Lots of bullshit in Waikiki. Wes is seriously scaring me. He comes home at 4am drunk as fuck every fucking night (morning, whatever) and grows continuously beligerent (sp?). Last night he threw a chair against the wall and broke off two legs. He started hounding me about god knows what and got pissed of when I didn't give him an answer he supposidly wanted. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about i nthe first place. He's a fucking loser and is really pissing me off.
Sick and tired of being homeless. Duh. Sick and tired of my school's bullshit and want to transfer... just sick and tired of everything in general right now.
No Friends. Ok, let's make a list of all the people I know on the island:
Nick
Wes
Dave
Courtney
Cortland
Cederick
Jeff (new)
Matt (new)
Matt's g/f (new)
Tattoo parlor:
Mike
Tony
Aaron
Ok, Nick and Wes are basically the only "friends" (quotes for wes) I hang out with. I see the people at the tattoo parlor, but they're more considered aquaintences... not like I have any of their numbers or anything. New people don't count... they're still aquaintences. Although Jeff is turning out to me more of a friend. Dave, Cortland, and Cederick are school friends that I really couldn't see me hanging out with much, if only because they're more interested in drinking and partying and.... not my thing at all. Courtney is a girl. Nuf said. She's cool and all, but we seriously have nothing in common. She likes pink and fluffy things and I... well don't. You can read more on this friends thing here: Part One
Feelings of Intrusion:
I've always felt like I really don't belong here. Everywhere I look, I just don't feel right in the sense that I'm very concious of the fact that I am indeed a "howley" (however the fuck you spell that) and I am NOT wanted here. I don't get much shit for it with my dreadlocks but I still feel bad for coming here. I can never feel like I can relax. I can never just settle in. It's so horrible because I love it here and I feel comfortable in the sense that I feel society's attitudes here fits me better than California. But I feel I'll never know my way around here as I do California. Everything I do, I always have it in the back of my head "should I be doing this [as an outsider]? am I allowed to do this? will the locals think I'm stupid for doing this or that?" and I just don't know. I just don't feel at ease. I like feeling like I rule the fucking town. I like knowing (really knowing) my limits. I can do anything in California. I'm the fucking queen bee there. Lol. I just don't know.
My Solution:
Leave Hawaii. That's it. Leave. Go back to California. Transfer to (hopefully) UC Santa Cruz... or some other university in Northern California (or San Diego...)
So here's my plan:
I'm going to call this Joy lady (she's one person who called me back) and we'll see if I can get that room, but not until the first of october. September I'll see about staying with Nick because FUCK Wes. If Joy doesn't work out, today I'm also going to talk with someone in the Housing office and I'm going to see if they can [professionally] help me find a place.
If not...
Then I will see if I can stay in the dorms. Finish this semester while I research different schools I can transfer to (might have to take Spring semester off and transfer in the fall) and then see what credits transfer over (my school's a douche and a lot don't transfer). And that's it. Move to California and figure my life out in the comfort of my own home (home being Cali, not my dad's house or anything) and then maybe I'll figure out where I want to go and what I really want to study (marine bio or astrophysics).
Pro/Con List: (number of "!" = importance level, 5 highest)
PRO:
- Closer to home = friends and family (!!!!!)
- Access to vehicle (!)
- Comfort of T I M E (!!!)
- Study Astrophysics (!!!!)
- More recognized school (!!!)
- More populated school to meet people (!!!!!)
- travel easier (!!!)
- more shows (!!!)
CON:
- Loss of "prestige" of living in Hawaii (!!!)
- Back to shitty California people (!!!!)
- Leave unique school (!)
- Lose touch with Island friends (!!)
- Loss of public transportation (!!!)
- not enough time spent here to explore (!!!)
- hawaii has cheaper living expenses (!!!!)
- california gas prices (!!!)
- possible lifelong regret (!!!!!)
I cried walking over here.
yesterday - tomorrow